Read This, If You Are A Tangled Mess Who Overthinks Everything, Just Like I Do.

I have moments in which my mind is so overwhelmed by emotions. When my head becomes such a mess that I don’t even know where to start when I want to clean it up. I don’t know which emotions to grab onto. Often, it’s just because I need something to occupy the time ahead of me. Other times, it’s out of boredom. But all the time it leads to overthinking and that, for me, is never good.

When I overthink, my vocabulary only expands to ‘what if’s’ and ‘I bet this will go wrong’ and ‘I wonder if anyone will notice the bags under my eyes because I was too busy worrying about the little things instead of doing the normal thing, that is getting some sleep.’ I realized there is no such thing as positivity in overthinking.

I overthink texts, because so many boys have tricked me before. I overthink what to wear, how to style my hair, what looks casual but not lazy. What looks attractive but not like I’m trying too hard. I overthink how flirty I should act because I don’t want to look desperate, like I’m trying too hard, like I’m dying for their attention.

I seriously overthink about the stupidest things, like what to post on my social media and what not to post because I worry of being judged before getting to know me better. I overthink when writing my blog posts. I’m overthinking right now, writing this. What if I use the wrong word and some of my grammar isn’t right? So I re-read every paragraph over and over again. Or what if none of this make sense to anyone reading. What if this was just a waste of time. I bet this was all for nothing and I wonder if anyone is going to notice that at this point I’m just rambling for the sake of getting words down?

That’s what overthinking feels like. It’s the need to fill that empty space in my head with something, anything, just as long as it isn’t empty anymore. Just as long as it gives me something to think about. It’s over analyzing  something so little and tiny that it eventually becomes so much bigger and more haunting than before. It’s not knowing when to stop and not knowing if you’ll wake up in the morning with the same thoughts in your head. The doubts, the worry following you around as you go on with your day.

Did I just overthink about overthinking?

I think, I got this habit from my father. He does overthink about everything…and I mean everything, no matter how little the situation is, and it drives me insane. I realized, I do the same thing. I worry a little too much. I don’t know how long I have been doing it. But last night, overthinking got the best of me that I had to write about it.

According to my father, overthinking isn’t all bad. It means, you’re the type of person that is always prepared. No matter what life throws at you, you find a way to handle it.

Is that really true?

#liveandlearn

 

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The world owes you nothing.

Most people who fail to pay attention to this are often angry and bitter at life. Look around,tell me if I’m lying.

A BOOK JUNKIE'S WORLD

Artwork By The KenyanBookJunkie Artwork By The KenyanBookJunkie

“Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.” – Aesop

I guess this is my somewhat vague attempt at explaining my hiatus for the past one month. I lost focus, I listened to the voices around me and I let my vision get faltered.

You see, everyone around you has a certain image of who you are and what you ought to be. Most people think that you could do so much better by doing things different which simply translates to doing things their way.

While some of these people usually have your best interest at heart, it is vital to remember that it is always up to you. The choices that you make, the path that you take are and ought to be your own prerogative. There is no right or wrong way to live life, we were never meant to be…

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Why I Write My Thoughts and Feelings On The Internet.

I write to find my voice. The voice that doesn’t always speak the truth to people but find its truth on paper.

I write to expose the vulnerability that I try to curb every day. I write to free myself.

I write to try to understand the person that lives inside me, the person that confuses me sometimes and comforts me every now and then.

I write to share my stories. The stories that actually happened and the stories that I wished had happened.

I write to forget certain people, or maybe I write to remember them.

I write to connect with strangers, to make new friends and to know that I’m not alone.

I write about my past to remember that I survived and that time heals all wounds.

I write about my future because I want to paint it the way I like it.

I write about my present because I’m still trying to figure out how to live it.

I write about conversations I wish I could have.

I write about a love I haven’t found yet.

I write about things I’m searching for. I write so I can imagine myself finding them.

I write because writing comes from the heart, I write because my mind can’t get involved in the process.

I write because writing allows me to be anyone I want, to erase certain memories, to relive certain memories or even start a new chapter.

I write because I want my children and grandchildren to understand me and see how times can change.

I write because somehow I want to leave something for them to remember me by – I want to leave something for the world to remember me by.

I write for those who are broken and those who are whole, for those who are in love and those who are in pain.

I write for those who feel things so deeply and who are moved by words that capture their emotions.

I write because one day I will look back and see how much I’ve grown.

I write because one day my writing will save me even if it kills me.

I write even when I don’t feel like writing; because the more I write, the more the world makes sense to me, the more I write, the more I find myself and the more I write, the more I believe that somehow I can still control how my story ends.

#liveandlearn

Daily Prompt: Theory

#bloggingbranding

 

Personal Letter To Future Self.

Dear 30 Year Old Me!

Sup Bitch! I hope you are alive and well and I hope that you are reading this from somewhere sunny. I thought I should put this on internet so that it would never disappear.

Do you know that in 2021 you will be turning from the big 2 to the big 3? That’s four years from now. Let’s just say three years because in 2 months from today, you will be 27. 

Anyways, if you have done everything that I anticipated us doing, then you will be living some of the best year of your life right now.

Right now, I can’t say everything is perfect but you are trying to balance a life of college academia, socialization, work, writing, blogging and sleep. It is not always easy and sometimes you have to sacrifice one or two for the other. By the way, how’s blogging, huh?

I want to believe with every fibre of my being that writing is still a big part of your life. At least it has some role. Perhaps you’re writing more, maybe getting paid to.

I hope that this idea that happiness prevails has stuck with you. As I am writing this, I think that we have seen it all. Death, illness, broken promises, compassion and plenty of adventures. No matter what is going on in your life right now, just breathe. You’re going to be okay. Whatever you happen to be going through, it will pass. And come on, you’re DOREEN KHAMALA.

Perhaps you are not seeing the world with the sunny disposition that I am seeing it with right now. Maybe time has made you more cynical or something has happened to you that made you doubt more than you already do (which is quite often). If that is the case, I can only hope you somehow stumble upon this letter and remember this simple notion: It is never too late to pursue passion and happiness.

I do not know if you are married or if you have kids or if you have gone down your dream career path but so long as you are happy, healthy and you still call your parents everyday, then I will be proud o the adult you have become. And remember, being an adult does not mean you cannot feel as free spirited as you are when you were young.

I don’t know what else to say except good luck. Remember why you started when you want to give up. The only person holding you back is yourself. Go after your goals. Say yes. Roll the dice. You may be surprised, Doreen.

Here’s to living with no regrets. Don’t panic. Do you. You’re not anyone else.

Keep Crushing

Sincerely, 26 year old self.

#liveandlearn

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As You Cross Into 2018, If You Think You Need Your Boyfriend’s Phone Password, You Need A New Boyfriend (just saying.)

Checking up your boyfriend’s phone has been pretty normalized these days. Raise your hand if this sounds familiar. Been there, done that and I found something I didn’t like and I obsessed over it for days wondering whether that LOL was really just a friendly laugh.

In the world of smartphones, dating is a whole new game. We text instead of call. We find perfect matches with the swipe of our thumbs. We start (and end) relationships by pressing “send”. With the simple press of a button, you have access to everything your loved one does on their phone–every tweet, text, email, and phone call.

Sure, you’re curious. I was really really curious when I did at first. Needing to have his passwords and creep on his messages when he leaves the room is a huge red flag. I know! If you are currently fighting the ‘snooping disease’, you need to ask yourself these questions to see if it’s indicative of a much bigger issue:

  1. Is your relationship healthy? If you’re being totally honest with yourself, is your relationship with this guy a healthy one? Does he give you love and loyalty and do you give it back? My guess is there are some unresolved issues under there if you are paranoid about his phone and what he is doing. Maybe those issues are within yourself, or maybe they need to be worked out as a couple but don’t sweep them under the rug.
  2. Does he respect YOU? He does have a right to his own life and privacy, you also have a right to respect. If he is intentionally hiding things from you or being disrespectful to your relationship, don’t put up with that. At that point, is it really even worth stalking his messages? Just save yourself the time and dump him—use that energy for something meaningful and don’t waste it on a guy who sucks anyway.
  3. Are you worried about other girls that aren’t you? Be honest. It’s so easy to dream up the worst case scenario in your head when you see a pretty girl in a photo with your guy, but you can’t trust your emotions all the time. Do you have a real reason to be worried about that girl or are your insecurities just setting in? Reminder: If a guy’s serious about you, he’s serious about ONLY you. Take notes.
  4. Has he ever cheated? Does this guy have a past? Obviously, if he’s cheated on you (or anyone else for that matter) you’re going to have some trust issues. Maybe you’re reaching for your phone because you think he hasn’t changed. On the other hand, maybe you’re struggling to let go of the past and give him the chance to redeem himself.
  5. Is your gut trying to tell you something? Yes, we overreact sometimes, but women are also amazing at reading people. If you’re sure you’re not just overreacting to whatever he said or did, maybe your gut is trying to tell you something is off. You’re sitting here trying to figure out what really is going on and things just aren’t adding up, listen to that voice and get rid of him. Always try to use reason first, but if reason fails, your gut is always spot on.

  6.  If you’re worrying so much, have you consider maybe you’re in the wrong relationship? When it comes down to it, no matter why you’re feeling insecure about what your guy is doing, you shouldn’t have to worry about your relationship. If he truly loves you and is someone you should be with, he will prove it to you. You won’t worry about that girl co-worker or childhood friend and you’ll be okay when he goes out with the boys. Healthy relationships just aren’t high maintenance.

    #LiveandLearn

One Greatest Lesson I’m Crossing With To 2018: Listen To Yourself

It took me a long time to realize that you can do everything right and still end up unhappy. You can say all of the right things, do exactly as you are told, follow in the footsteps of all the people who swore by their success and their strategy surrounding it, and you can still end up displaced because you didn’t ever choose to simply listen to yourself.

The best thing I ever did for myself was simply listen to what I actually wanted. Then I messed up. I made mistakes that I’ll never forget. I hurt people I loved, and I got hurt. I had to learn about self discovery which isn’t comfortable. It can get ugly, it can get confusing. It’s hard. It’s difficult to confront yourself sometimes, it’s difficult to be the person who does things differently, who doesn’t settle.

But it’s the greatest gift I ever gave myself. It pushed me towards figuring out what my own personal version of happiness looks like. And I grew on my own terms, I figured out what actually matters to me, I carved my own path and I started to living on my own terms. I became the person I always wanted to be rather than the person I was always told to be. Life is about making yourself proud on your own terms. It’s about finding a happiness that works for you.

#liveandlearn

Thoughts About “The One”

How do you know? How are you supposed to know if he’s the one? Is there “the one?” I pass so many people on the streets every day and most of them are silhouettes in the wind. I see a crowd but not the people. So I can’t recognize anyone. But what if my “one” was in there somewhere? How can I find him? Or is he looking for me? 

What if I don’t find him? What will happen if I don’t end up with “the one?” If I end up with someone else and when I’m with someone else, how can I tell whether he’s “the one?” How can I be sure? I mean, there are many people, so many possibilities. How can I know if I didn’t meet them all?

I learned that people change over time and so do I and I think that’s a good thing. But does that also change who “the one?” is for me? Does my “one” hide between different faces at different times?

They tell me that I will feel it when I meet “the one” but what if I don’t? How can I feel something that I have never felt before and interpret it correctly? What if I misinterpret a feeling? How many chances do I get? Will I have to compare my life, how it all could have been with a scenario had I met “the one”? Will I forever regret my choice on the smallest conflicts and interpret him as not being “the one?” Or have I met him already? Did I let him go? And am I now cursed to keep looking, never realizing the curse? Or is “the one” just something, someone made up? Someone who was madly in love with someone she had or didn’t have but wanted to have or couldn’t have or had but didn’t realize it until it was too late?

I keep asking all these questions not realizing that maybe all that isn’t that important and that I should just live and not conduct such thoughts/experiments with love. But sometimes the human mind spins itself into a confused state of mind.

#liveandlearn

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I Loved To Love

For a long time the who didn’t matter as much as the that. If he made me laugh, we’d often end up in bed (also, because of alcohol, but let’s not go there). I found that the humor, along with dancing, was a good indication of whether there was room for magic. For making love.

Many were lovers for a night, or for a few nights, but that was usually it. Yet over time that changed. I started realizing that I had seen bodies, felt bodies, but started missing the soul. I started to sense beyond the physical. I started to learn that love was different from sex…and that I was having sex, and not making love.

#liveandlearn

 

I Used To Apologize So Damn Much. Now I Don’t!

When I was a kid my father and teachers taught me to apologize every time I did something wrong. So I learned to say “I’m sorry for …” and started to feel comfortable with doing it. I learned to be aware of people’s feelings. I learned to be empathic and treat people with respect. I grew up saying “I’m sorry” when needed. But somehow, later in life, apologizing became more of a weakness.

I became one of those people who felt the need to say sorry for everything. It could be for playing music out loud in my room and my sister tells me to tone it down. It could be for laughing out loud at the wrong time. It could be after someone tells me about about an issue he or she is going through. It could also be, ‘ just not my fault’. My immediate reaction to it all would be “I’m sorry.”

I found myself apologizing for things that did not require apologies. I hadn’t hurt anyone, neither physically nor emotionally, or disturbed the structure of the world in any way.  I hadn’t ruined anybody’s peaceful day or said something I didn’t mean. It started to become really uncomfortable and even annoying as I watched myself do it over and over again. Why was I saying sorry so dang much? Blaming it on my father and teachers back then.

From experience, saying sorry so much sends the wrong message. Apologizing can shape your role in a relationship and the way you interact with another person. For one, it can say that you’re submissive. This could mean that you don’t have good boundaries and you just let other people decide what goes on. It can also be an expression of lack of confidence, assuming that you’re unsure that what you’re saying is right.

It’s said that women apologize more than men. Is this surprising? Not at all. “It’s not that men are reluctant to admit wrong doings. It’s just that they have a higher threshold for what they think warrants reparation”—I read this from a magazine. As for women, we think the smaller things matter just as much. And this makes us special. But we should stop inserting “I’m sorry, but…” before stating your opinions and beliefs.

I did and somewhere along the lines, however, the apologies stopped.  I’m assuming this was probably around the time where I stopped, really stopped, caring what other people thought of me.

One most amazing practice I’ve learned is to replace “sorry” with “thank you”, sometimes. I don’t even know where I picked this trick up, but someone else definitely gave it to me. Since I stopped apologizing randomly, I felt a bit tougher. It’s kind of nice since I’m usually a softie. As a result of feeling this way, I have less guilt. It’s not a ton less, just a little bit, but I’ll take it.

Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not saying to never apologize again. Apologies are so necessary for a million different situations. For example, if you have wronged someone or hurt them, by all means, apologize to save the relationship, and because it’s the right thing to do or when a friend loses someone. . . . you know, the serious situations that truly need apologies.

It’s just that there are things that need apology and things that don’t. So before you apologize, ask yourself this: “When you are apologizing are you truly expressing regret for something you’ve done wrong? And was it “wrong” in whose eyes–yours or theirs?

#liveandlearn