Love Don’t Change. We Do.

I have been in love. Though I never really understood how much that word weighed until I started carrying it in my pockets. I have marveled at how it sunk deep into my vocabulary and took over every syllable left in my mouth. I tried so hard to plan out the confession and the speech I would deliver so beautifully. But that word, with all its weight, foiled those plans.

Things changed quicker than I could exhale a breath. I was in the middle before I saw it all begin. And that’s how fast love happens. It doesn’t politely knock on your door, or mail itself to you in an envelope, waiting to be opened. It just storms through your life and steals you.

It’s funny when I think back on it now. How careful we both were. How much those words weighed. How we exhausted them for the next couple of months, saying them over and over, texting and typing those words out so perfectly, reminding one another again and again and again.

Now when I look at him, I say the words silently. When he goes in for a hug, I dodge him like a bee. I cower. I pull back. I tuck that love back in my pockets and continue to let it weigh me down. It makes a campsite in my heart, burning veins to keep itself warm, destroying me from the inside out.

It burns to speak to him. It burns to breathe around him. My body is a smoky entry. My mouth tastes of hurtful words and emotions I expelled carelessly. We don’t say much when we see each other. We weave everything into our silences.

Sometimes you can REALLY love a person, and still understand that you’re not right for them. Sometimes you can hurt and be sad and miss a person AND still choose to not be with him. It takes great bravery to decide to let someone you love go in hopes you’ll both find what you truly need. It feels like you’re going crazy, but in the end, you will thank yourself.

Don’t ever let love be a crutch. Love doesn’t mean you’re a perfect match. It just means you have a good heart and maybe it’s time to give it to someone else. Because love doesn’t always change. We just have to.

#LiveandLearn

 

 

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A Prayer For You And Your Scars

I hope you find someone who loves you for your scars.

Your scars are the battles you fought
alone, scared, broken at midnight
navigating the map of your lost soul,
wearing nothing but threadbare dreams,
with demons who would not die,
and who could not rest.
and still strong, you fought on.

I pray you find someone who loves you for your scars

Your scars will tell the stories your lips cannot.
Your scars will reveal secrets your heart cannot.
Your scars will create meaning to the little things you do.
So find someone who loves you for your scars.
This is all that I can pray for, for you.

I May Be Soft But It Is Not My Weakness

I have  been told that I am too soft more times than I can remember. I am too soft because I carry my heart on my sleeve for anyone who will show me a little bit of kindness. I am too soft because I give those who hurt me chances once, twice, three times and even four. I am too soft because I forgive easily and I forget too quickly. I am too soft because my heart aches when I see someone enduring even a tiny amount of pain. I am too soft because I am too friendly – as if being friendly is a bad thing. I am too soft because I will do things for those I love without questioning whether they’d do the same for me. I am too soft because I love too much and too deeply. I am too soft because I let those I love take me for granted time and time again. I am too soft because I let them break me even though I never would.

Truth is, I am not soft. I am strong.

I am strong because even after I endure the worst kind of pain, I manage to heal. I am strong because I go into the depths of despair and rise stronger, bolder and wiser than ever before. I am strong because I use my voice as a way to empower myself and others. I am strong because I helped myself get back up again. I am strong because I wiped my tears and plastered my own wounds. I am strong because I didn’t rely on anyone else to save me. I am strong because I saved me. I am strong because despite it all I am still here, I am still smiling and I am happier than I’ve ever been. I am strong because I found myself in so many ways throughout it all. I am strong because I have the power to love myself, because I am here for myself. I am strong because I will never give up on me.

I know I may be soft but it is not my weakness, it is my strength. Because even though I am soft, I am strong and isn’t then a wonderful thing? 

#liveandlearn

Maybe We Can’t Find Love Because We’re Only Looking For Attention

I don’t understand when the shift happened. When did love switch from being a sacred bond between two people to a game of who can break more hearts and who cares less? When did love switch from commitment, loyalty, and communication to no strings attached, cheating, and ghosting?

Maybe it’s because social media replaced the real world so now people are searching for more followers, more likes and more ways to show that their lives are picture-perfect instead of looking at the bigger picture.

Maybe it’s because the ego replaced the heart so people don’t love for the sake of loving, they love for the sake of feeling good about themselves, they love for the sake of instant gratification and they love for the sake of constant validation.

We don’t want solid communication anymore, we just want to receive as many texts as possible from multiple people even if no one can truly read us. We want as many notifications as possible even if no one is really noticing us. We’re obsessed with numbers and competitions that we sometimes forget what we’re really fighting for.

We send screenshots to our friends just to show them how much we’re wanted and how many people are ‘chasing’ us but we end up feeling all alone at night, with no to call or anyone who genuinely cares.

I don’t know what it is but I know that we’re all seeking attention more than ever and the smallest setback makes us so insecure so we use people to make us feel secure again and reassure us that we’re important. We’re all wanting things and people we can’t have and it’s becoming a race and a game nobody is winning.

#liveandlearn

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Do Not Mistake Passion For Love. One Feeds You, The Other Leaves You Starving

There was a girl, she grew up different from the rest of the girls in her neighborhood. She would do everything that was forbidden just for the sake of the excitement she felt. She thought of herself as someone not ordinary, not basic. Not someone who would settle down for a mediocre life like the rest of the girls.

One day she faced a similar choice. Between a man who told her in most ordinary way, in a trembling voice, “I will always love you, I will never let you down.” And a man who pulled her close and whispered in her ears the most passionate words, “I will make your head spin. I will be mad, and you’ll be crazy in love.” 

Without doubt she chose the second man. And the first man, he had his heart broken by the only girl he ever loved.

The two of them left the town. They eloped in the middle of the night and made a house somewhere near the town. It had a mattress for bed, kitchen and a good fire. They spent many good days in that house, making love. But as reality settled down on the lovers, the fire didn’t burn so bright.

She realized to her horror that as the days passed, her life became that of an ordinary girl. There was no more thrill, no adventure. She started craving again for something bigger than herself, than her ordinary life. She started remaining sad, and the man said in his dreamy voice, “there’s no spark left in you” and left.

She came back to her town, and was surprisingly taken in by her parents. She had lost all hope, but something bad changed in her for good. 

One day , while returning from the market she saw the man who loved her. He saw her too. He had heard storied about her. She went out of her way to talk to him. He was kind, and still trembled a little. Then out of nowhere she said, “You are still kind to me, why?” 

“Because I loved you and I may always do even when you don’t.” 

She smiled and said, “do you know what I have learned? That passion is a good fire but love is a steady warmth. One burns out, the other takes you in on a cold day.” 

I have seen people give up food for booze, money for drugs. Humans, we, have a knack for self-destruction. I have seen them reject a lifetime kinda-love for a fleeting affair. It’s the everyday life, ain’t?

#liveandlearn