How long can you be a “Friend with benefits”.

We’ve all been there a time or two before where we have been ‘Friends with Benefits’-casually dating someone and we really get along with them. We want to make it official and turn it into a serious relationship, but we aren’t sure how. Am I just a booty call?

I’m sure a lot of people understand where I am coming from and more importantly understood the possibility of having a platonic relationship with the opposite sex. But let’s take a second to discuss having the friendship with the benefits from the opposite sex. Now some of you might wonder what do I mean when I say benefits and others might totally understand where I’m coming from. But let me make this somewhat clear and specific, benefits in regards of having a sexual and intimate relationship with the opposite sex with no strings attached. As long as the sex tingles are there, the sex hormones are high, you know who to call. And you are assured that they will not disappoint you. 


Well from my experience, I was in such relationship once and then let myself get into another. 

My first experience was in campus, I really enjoyed the company of a young male. His name unknown. He was the total package I look for in a man; tall, handsome, broad shoulders, killer fashion and definitely a good kisser. It all started out as a good friendship, more of the best friend type of a relationship. He would tell me all his secrets and I would do the same. I do not understand how feelings were involved but I felt it was mutual at that time, even though I was in a long distance relationship.

The signs were so obvious that he was into me and I was into him. He would hold my hand when we walk to the bus stop, carry my books for me, in case am late for class or when i never showed up for class, he would be too curious to find out why. He would kiss me in-front of people, a kiss on the cheek. But still.  Actually, all the girls that liked him were scared to get close to him because they thought we were dating. 

It all happened when we went for a school trip to Nakuru.If you are in campus and you’ve gone for such trips, you understand what happens, the teachers are never clingy, so you can do whatever you want to do with whoever you wanted. That’s the campus life. He would saved me a sit in the bus when we left and every-time I would go sit with another boy, he would text me ‘sweet nothings’ to tell me how he misses me and he wants me to come back to my sit. It was sweet at that time, I really thought that the feelings were mutual to a point I broke up with my long distance person.

There was another school trip to Mombasa and then Kisii. Most of these trips were football trips and I would tag along as the ‘cheerleader’. LOL! There was no cheering that was happening. Our campus would lose all the time. The only reason I used to attend this trips was because of him.Love struck! Plus the school would give you pocket money during the trip. 2800 shillings. That was good money then. We took that chance to enjoy oursleves and during the holidays or weekdays, we’d always plan for sex dates. Even miss a class for those kinda dates. Don’t Judge me!

All along, this campus crush had someone on the side, a beautiful, light-skinned, sweet girl. Which I never knew about. Here, I thought we told each other everything. I don’t think I would have gotten hurt, if he told me about her because we had agreed on being just ‘friends with benefits.’ Just a casual relationship but it’s always the girl who gets the feelings first. Why? But after 3 months of doing the same thing, don’t you think you would think there’s something too?  Anyways, we cut ends lose and everyone moved on.

My second experience was after campus. I was single for almost 1 year. So when this tall, thin, handsome and tattooed guy came along, we hit it off pronto. He was also honest and told me his not ready for commitment and I too thought i wouldn’t get the feelings and I agreed to it. Well, it was great while it lasted until he started sleeping with his best-friend, a girl which he told me about it and even tried to plan for his own fantasy game with the two of us. Boys and their fetish dreams! 

That did not happen though. He was not a bad guy but he had this ego of ‘I can get any girl I want in bed’. Which was true! He proved that to me by flirting with other girls on phone and they would send him sexy pictures and he would show me.

The relationship between the ‘best-friend’ and him was too obvious. His attention was always on her and it annoyed me. I don’t know if they had the same relationship ‘Friends with benefits’ but he would refer to me as the ‘side chick’ and his best-friend as ‘the main chick’. He would say that to my face. Took me long enough to realize I was just being used and that wasn’t a way to treat a lady. So I walked out from it.It lasted only 2 months. I did not tell him, I’ve dropped the title but I just stopped picking his calls and replying to his texts. I left them to enjoy each other.

So the million dollar question would be is it because you are so sexually attractive to each other that being in a relationship would put that all in jeopardy? Or is it because this person is good enough to be sexual with but not good enough to be in a relationship?? The worst part is when only one is willing to commit. But you are scared to make or break the friendship by spilling the feelings because of the scare of rejection and you had an understanding and agreement that it was just be ‘FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS’.

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My Advice

People are different and if after knowing the consequences and the risks, then I say why not. If you’re old enough to be able to tie your own shoes then I guess you’re mature enough to make these type of tough decisions. You and your “friend” should go over some guidelines so there is an understanding on what is ok and what is not ok… (i.e., is it ok to date other people? Are we committed to one another sexual? Is this going to be a long-term thing? etc). Make sure it is something that both of you agree on and it is something that you both desire. We are here in this world to make ourselves happy by doing the necessary things to achieve that. People are going to judge but so what, we live in a society where people judge everyday. Just make sure that the decision that you make is a good one and hopefully it does not haunt you in the future, and you never know that friendship could easily turn into a romantic relationship.

Ladies, to avoid getting into this situation I suggest you apply my 3 month rule. After 3 months of enjoying the benefits of your friendship, ask yourself the question, “Do I want this guy to be my boyfriend?” If the answer is Yes, be proactive and ask him to make it official. If the answer is No, be proactive and cut it off. This will ensure that you will not be persuaded into a relationship down the line. I also offer the same advice to men, if they find themselves in this situation.

A friend with benefits situation cannot last for ever. If you absolutely do not want it to turn into something more, be smart and cut it short.

Hope you enjoyed reading this one.



14 thoughts on “How long can you be a “Friend with benefits”.

  1. James Ngari

    Depending on how you want to interpret FWB, it applies even in courting and candidates for marriage. The calculation made before you say yes to a guy is based on some expected benefit that you hope to get in return. So for me party hoping and testing waters won’t be a solution not unless you want to taste all the handsome and lovable men you come across.
    The FWB also applies after marriage by the way. Mpango wa kando are a typical example of FWB. So my advise is just figure out what you truly want in terms of being casual in relationships or you want to get serious and be loyal to a single partner.
    By the way party hoping ain’t bad a all. Otherwise kama una catch ma feelings, you’d better say you want to get into a serious relationship

    Liked by 1 person


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