When I got home today, I decided to go through my old box that I stuck away years ago and I came across my old diary.
My high school best friend where I wrote all my love and heart break feelings about a boy that I liked so much. Actually he was my boyfriend at that time. My first love, my first relationship, my first, kiss, my first everything.
Thought I would share part of it in here. I wrote this when we broke up.
“Love can be stressing when you come to find out that the person you love thinks you’re playing on him and he says that he has evidence. Is that really right? He thinks that our relationship will end after school. Unless he wants that to happen. It hurts when you come to find out that he shares his feelings about you to others and never tells you.
Sometimes I fail to understand boys. It’s not fair that they think that they are the ones with problems. We too have problems. I too have problems. They never let you explain yourself. Dear Lord, please make me understand him. Is it just me who suffer so much or there are some other girls out there. I have cried so many times for him and I cannot seem to have anymore tears. I have suffered so much for him but his never around when I need him the most. i have to keep them in my heart and struggle to solve them by myself.
I don’t know if he feels the same at times or i just waste my tears and yet he doesn’t even care. Maybe he feels free? Maybe his happy that now he can roam around? I really hate feeling this way. It’s not right! This tears that come out of my eyes as I write this remind me of the hurt his caused in my heart. TOO MUCH! Lord please give me strength. I can’t control myself.
Sometimes I can’t read because of him. His occupied every part of my body especially my mind. This are the times I wished I never met, liked or opened my poor heart to him. I don’t know what to do now that I don’t have you near me. It’s driving me crazy since you seem to have no interest in me. Are all the boys the same?
I feel I can never be happy with no-one else apart from you. But why do you treat me like some piece of trash? Hurting me all the times. I cannot take it anymore. I hate when our relationship is on and off. Don’t you that’s wrong?
Many people are happy when we break up because of their own many reasons. Now that we’ve broken up they are extremely happy. That am certainly sure.
This is all I can do, write it down. it make me feel better. Rather than keeping it to myself.
Were really meant to be? Were we even supposed to meet in the first place?
REVENGE! REVENGE! REVENGE! That’s what keeps ringing in your head, your heart. You what to revenge on me? I have not done anything wrong. You just heard rumors and you believed them. I thought I knew you. But your different now. Why would you believe them? I have always had a feeling of you wanting me to stay away form you so that you can be free and get the girls that you want. You’ve got the time now, you’ve got the freedom now. Am not going to plead for you anymore. I want to see you happy and for that I will walk away.
The only thing that will remain in my heart is the love that you’ve made me feel for you ever since I met you.
Life felt different when am with you. I felt whole, secure, protected. Most of all loved. I don’t think I will ever love any other person if it ain’t for you. Because all the suffering I have gone through for you, is too much. But today you hurt me deep.
Now that your not with me, all I fell is sorrow and sadness. Am dying inside, you are killing me softly. I feel like my heart has been torn into pieces. But what keeps me going is that am strong. I will be strong. I know I will forget. I know I will move on. I know I can move on. I will cry all the tears out. All the dream I had with you. All the future plans. All that is crushed.
You hurt me deep. But I will survive. Goodbye”
This was my first heart break but I AM GLAD IT DIDN’T WORK OUT!
Clear to see. In a way, I’m glad we dated because I am a different person now. But in another way, I wish I had never had met you. You wasted my time, you wasted my emotions. I own up to my mistakes now. I have owned up to myself. I’m not weak, I’m not a coward, and I’m glad that we didn’t work out.