Only My Shadow Knows

 

shadow2

Lost, lost in the woods, in the dark,

Night full of stars.

Reflections all around 

But I don’t know which is mine.

Help! I’m screaming out 

but there’s no reply. 

I thought you will always be there for me.

I thought it was me and you against the world.

But empty promises you gave,

just to get into my pants. 

not knowing that

you will be the reason for my mind battles,

a love test that I never asked for.

Only my shadow knows, 

the thoughts and feelings I have for you

I hate you, I love you

Should I go or wait? 

I’m tired of running all alone in this woods. 

I might get lost forever,

and you will never see me.


In response to today’s Daily prompt: test

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“Dear Daddy, I’m going to be called a whore….”

This video talks so much about my yesterday’s post: To The Women – Never Let Your Loyalty Make A Fool Of You. I talked about how men throw hurtful words at us. Calling us names, ‘bitch, whore,’ just because we pissed them off. Then later say, ‘Am sorry, You shouldn’t feel that way, Why are you overreacting? Why are you so sensitive? I said that because you made me. Because you provoked me’ It’s not right! It’s heart breaking especially from someone you love. Someone you care about. 

Remember you came from a woman and yes, sometimes we can be bitches but it doesn’t give you a reason to call your kid’s mother or your girlfriend, a whore. It doesn’t also give you a right to call a woman names, just because you felt like it or because she’s rejected youYou piss us the most but we watch how we talk back at you. What if we were as vulgar as you? How will the world look like? You need to stop.  

We need to teach our daughters – I don’t have kids yet but I can teach my younger siblings to value themselves and their bodies and this will help some things as well and we need to teach boys the same thing. Most of all we need to teach respect for other people. Common decency is more important than common core math. Teaching respect of self and others must start at home.

Some of you might have already watched the video, just a reminder to you! 


“Dear Daddy, 

I just wanted to thank you for

looking after me so well…

Even though am not yet born.

I know you already try harder than superman….

But I need to ask you a favor.

Warning: It’s about Boys!….”

 

SourceOmeleto – An Inspiring Facebook Page

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To The Women – Never Let Your Loyalty Make A Fool Of You.

People are different. People grew up differently. Weak sense of self doubts. Self worth doubts and doubts on ability to understand people or difficult situations. Men do not learn that bad comments, on our looks, our bodies can make a huge difference to our feelings. Comments of how we act in the relationship is way out of hand. Saying that we are crazy, when you the one who started it. You might be in that joking mood you always in but I might not be. Women pretend to be okay and curve a smile on what you say but behind that friendly facade, is a broken soul.

sadness

Growing up (still growing) I heard statements like, “You shouldn’t feel that way. You’re over reacting and you’re being too sensitive.”. They might have been harmless and insignificant but phrases like theses can tell someone that their feelings were incorrect and teach doubtfulness and denial in one self. 

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It got to a point in life, I was naive, gullible and trusting. I evaluated men and everyone with my emotions. I repeatedly made bad relationships choices and I got my heart broken frequently. I struggled figuring someone out. Afraid of saying or doing the wrong things because I was scared of a man’s rejection. Scared to stand up to a man’s criticism, decent and hurtful behaviors. 

Men spit out anything that comes to their minds and later say, ‘I was just joking. Relax. What’s wrong with you. Sorry’. They will absolutely do anything especially when they learn you, your weaknesses and when they know your love for them runs deep. Do you do it to irritate us? Or you mean it at that time then when you realize we are hurt, you play it safe?

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You make us wonder are we just overly sensitive? Did we just misinterpret what felt like a hard slap in the face? If we are the ones destroying the relationship with our sensitive selves or what?

Most women just want to be heard. I want to be heard. Maybe we are that sensitive because you constantly think about your feelings. Your own self. So we shut our eyes to the truth. We deny and suppress our spiritual feelings even though the truth is we know you lying. Shifting the blame on us. We force ourselves to tune our spiritual voice and stay in a dysfunctional relationship that is so promised to break our hearts because we tell ourselves we ‘love’ you.

sadness-4But the voices within us are screaming out, No you’re NOT wrong. You did NOT misinterpret what he said. You’re NOT over reacting to his manipulative comments. You DID interpret it correctly. 

Ladies, never let a man or anyone talk you out of your feelings. When he (boyfriend or husband) try to put you down remember this -a man’s dismissive, blaming statements are designed to make you doubt your ability to reason and understand the relationship. I talk from experience. Don’t allow to be a victim to a man’s charm, deceiving words and empty promises. 

“Remember a who man loves you, wouldn’t want to see you hurt! They can fool your heart but don’t let them fool your guts!” – A friend’s Advice


In response to today’s Daily Prompt: Facade

-LessonLearnedTheHardWay-

Am a ‘Pretty Little Liar Fan.’ – Now you know! 😉 – Image Source Google!

#LiveandLearn.

 

 

You Can’t Please Everyone

Many of us like to be liked. We like to be popular. We like to have the approval of other people. We like it when people agree with us. It’s not a bad thing. But there is a price to always wanting to be liked and I believe that price is huge.Talking form experience. Many times we sacrifice saying what we really mean; doing what we believe is truly right and living the life that others want us to lead rather the one that we believe is our purpose. 

From a young age my father would tell me that being liked by everyone is NOT a good thing and that sometimes I have to create enemies to clearly know who’s on my side. Not everyone will be there for you when you down – Let’s just say I never listened to him.

Pleasing everyone is exhausting, if not impossible. I think even trying to, doesn’t make much sense and will probably cause one nothing but stress, frustration and unhappiness. People are different, people were raised differently, and people choose to see life in their own eyes. We have to be mindful of that but that doesn’t mean that we have to subscribe to other people’s lenses. 

Knowing and better understanding people is one thing, trying to become how they want us to be is another.You can listen to people. You can learn from them. You can be agreeable and you can agree to disagree. But it you’re liked by everyone, you’re doing it wrong.

That’s just my opinion. Feel free to disagree!


In response to today’s Daily Prompt: Disagree

-lessonlearnedinlife-

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everyone

 


 

 

 

Two Unfinished Personalities.

I guess you can say we all have two personalities.

the one during the day,

If we were asked if we’re okay and happy,

we would say ‘absolutely’.

We’re happy and we don’t need any help

we’re completely okay.

But then there’s the other, 

that at 2am, sits alone in their room

wondering why everything is not going right

asking themselves what’s the point in any of this

the one that is in pain

and this is the one that needs to be shown

how beautiful they are…

There’s a point in life, everyone is troubled

by the two unfinished personalities – I am!


In response to today’s Daily Prompt: unfinished 

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thoughts

Image Source Google

 

What I do When Am Struggling With The Weight Of The World On My Shoulders.

Hello. Hope you all are doing great.

Firstly, I would like to thank all of you who showed so much love for my blog. I just crossed 250 followers. My New Goal is 300 followers and more but am enjoying the love and the support am getting from you. Love you all! 

Away from the relationship issues I rant about everyday, today’s post is on how I manage to lift myself up when I feel am struggling with the weight of the world on my shoulders for far too long. When the load is too much for me to carry. I know am not the only one who has those days and sometimes some people carry the world for weeks, months and years. I hope that my ways can help someone out there.

I remind myself that I cannot fix everything because it is not my job, even though sometimes it feels that way. It’s on these days when I feel so helpless but I call out that even the strong ones feel helpless – it happens to everyone. I stump my feet down and repeat to myself, ‘Just because I can’t make everything right, I am not helpless. I just haven’t found a solution yet’. 

I remind myself that am only human which means that there’s only so much I can possibly do with all the worries and dangers am facing. And if I let my anxiety take over me over and over again, I will keep going under the never ending cycle of despair. I have to face these challenges head-on because that’s part of being a human.

I ask for help – I know sometimes asking for help can be hard but the relief I get immediately after is worth a leap of faith. I just trust that someone would care enough to catch me on the other side – you can too. Open your eyes and open your hands to discover just how much help is waiting for you.

Through this days sometimes we feel like we are all alone. And the reason we get to this point is that we are so good at convincing ourselves that no one else cares about our troubles. That we are better off alone. But that’s not how to handle it. I am sure that we all have those people in our lives that care about us the most; friends, family, colleagues…. and if we allow them to help, you’ll feel the weight of the world getting lighter – we need each other!

I do not allow my mistakes to define me – Sometimes I find myself making the same mistakes over and over again but I don’t let that make me feel unworthy or weak. Newsflash! Everyone makes mistakes. It’s just how you deal with them. Plus it just makes you the same as everyone on this planet. So I never my mistakes to beat me to a worthless point in life.

I remind myself that am doing the best I can. The truth is, if you’re trying, even a little bit, each daythat’s the best you can do and even if it doesn’t feel like its enough, just the fact that you’re still going really is. 

Lastly, I listen to music. Sometimes music is the only thing that gets your mind off of everything. And if I had the money to travel with friends and enjoy life, that too would be the best therapy.

Through all this remedies, I never forget to pray. Prayer is the most important conversation of my day. 

Am sure people have their own ways of dealing with some struggles in their lives, this is just my few important steps that make me a better person. That make me face this cruel world with my head high.

If you have more ways, you can share on the comment area. Help me, Help you

Blessed day.

#LiveandLearn

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Emotional Dilemma

Right now, she’s stuck somewhere in between “I care” and “I don’t want to care anymore”.

She’s stuck somewhere in between “I want to stay” and “I have every reason to leave”.

She’s stuck somewhere in between “We’ve been through too much for me to give up” and “I’ve been through enough to know I can’t take it anymore.”

She’s stuck somewhere in between “I don’t mind putting up with his bullshit because every couple fights” and I’m getting so sick of arguing and fighting with him”.

She’s stuck somewhere in between “Maybe things will be good again one day” and “Things will never be the way they used to be again.”

She’s stuck somewhere in between “I love him too much to let him go” and “I’m just done”.

It’s an interesting Dilemma and you are taking advantage of it.

In response to today’s Daily Prompt: Dilemma

 

 

 

 

Sponsors/Sugar Daddies are killing a generation.

This article was shared on a what’s app group am in and I thought I should share as my Motivational Monday to the ladies and also for parents and students. Some refers to them as sponsors or sugar-daddies but they are killing our generation. 

THIS IS NOT MY STORY

After classes on a Friday me and my friends had gone to a popular joint in Westlands. Four older gentlemen came over to our table and offered us drinks (proper drinks – not the drinks we were used to). We agreed and over the next 2 months it was play and fun. They would invite us to the hotels and have fun with us. Pay us well which I now know is prostitution.

The guy I landed on was nothing short of rich and he gave me pocket money unlike my dad who gave me $40 a month, he would give me $200 ever two weeks. I could get all the shoes and clothes I wanted. I was lucky enough to move from the hostels near Chiromo to a one bedroom in Parklands. 

At this point my boyfriend who was in JKUAT University and his small credit gifts meant nothing. All the time he visited me, he bought me a bag of chips and cheap bracelet’s and once in a while I would get phone credit worth Ksh 100 compared to the Ksh. 2000 phone credit and a trip to coast with a new one bedroom house.This University ‘bae’ had to go. He was not at my level anymore. The decision came hard because dating someone for 2 years and dropping them without and explanation is hard but once you taste the good money nothing can stop you.

My friends had noticed the changes; missed classes, empty hostel room and as all good friends they told me to take care of myself.

After 9 months of happiness, the guy changed. He would only see me on weekends or send his driver to pick me up. His driver was a kind guy and through him I learned the hard truth. My new man was married and had a daughter my age, apparently I was not the only girl the driver would pick up. He and his friends from the club had been doing the routine around Langata and Westlands where evidently all university girls stream to over the weekends.

I was angry at myself but then again the 42′ inch Samsung TV was delivered to my place the following Monday with an apology from my ‘hubby’. As I had grown to know him, to say I was stupid and blind would be an understatement.

Not long after November 6th, I got ill and was admitted to hospital. It was nothing major, the doctors said I needed fluids and I was discharged. The medication prescribed worked against me and I got worse. So ‘My hubby’ sent me some cash and his driver dropped me at Nairobi Hospital, they did some tests and the results were nothing short of dismantling. I was 2 months pregnant and HIV positive

After breaking the news to the guy he took off and said I had been seeing someone else. The following day, 8 guys showed up at my house with a moving truck, at this point you realize there is no difference between you and a visitor. Out went my beautiful TV, Couch, Queen Size Bed, my tables and carpets. I was left with clothes and some pair of shoes to my name. No money. No dignity and a pregnancy that came with disease.

With the Ksh 3000 I had I went back home and my mother knew immediately I was with a child. My father hasn’t spoken to me since then, it’s been 2 years now. I’m still HIV positive. My son is still here and the 1 year I enjoyed life with a married man, I lost school time, I lost a boyfriend who is now working and another woman is enjoying what was to be mine. 

My girls let me tell you out right, no man will look at you when you’re HIV positive with a child even those who used to buy you 50 bob credit and the cheap bracelets. Many of you who are in my shoes, leave before your life becomes a wish. I wish someone had told me.

You call them sponsors, we called them sugar daddies. The media has made them popular. Most of my friends are gone. Some are really sick with HIV. Family members use me as a negative example. 

Women work hard. Get a man you can lift. Be thankful for what you have. Don’t be greedy.Stick to the 200 bob credit and watch it grow to 1000 bob and more.


My Advice – Ladies, please stop wearing your heart between your legs. Your happiness can be found there too. So, if you keep on this track it will become bottomless pit of despair. Stop dangling the key to ‘unhappiness’ in your lap. Take care!

Share widely.

#LiveandLearn

 

 

She Likes To Pretend That She Knows About Tomorrow.

Everyday she wakes up, she’s thankful for being alive. For being healthy. For the fresher and crisper mornings. For you. And Every night she lays her head on her pillow, she prays for a good night sleep and hope for a better tomorrow with you.

She knows that tomorrow might not come but has faith that it will.  She hopes that the love between you and her will blossom each day. She covers all her problems for the day and closes her eyes.

You assume she’s happy because she braves a beautiful smile. You think she’s strong because she has no other alternative but to keep moving. You think she’s content because she never complains.

But, have you ever looked into her eyes? Maybe who she is- is written there. Her words. Her feelings. Her emotions that she can’t verbalize. You say you know her. You say you listen to her and say you know how she feels. Maybe you should think again.

She just lives with the moments. But awaits for tomorrow’s change-your change.

In response to today’s daily prompt- pretend

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Truth-and-Love#12

When you’ve done all you can do and you still feel like you have so much further to go. When you feel like all you have to give still isn’t nearly enough. When it seems that you will not be able to keep up everything that needs to be kept up for one minute longer.

Stop and breathe.

Look, really look at what you are expecting of yourself. You cannot always do it all. You cannot hold everything together perfectly and you cannot be perfectly composed every single day.

It’s unrealistic.

It’s OK to have ‘off’ days. Bad days will pass just like they always do. There will be a brand new sparkling day waiting for you tomorrow. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.

Today it’s time for self-compassion.

-LessonLearnedinLife-

#LiveandLearn

Goodnight!