Live and Learn

A Good Heart Loves Too Much.

I don’t know even know why I feel sick, why my breath is caught in my throat or why I feel, for want of a better word, “Crazy”.

I just do!

Insecurity, paranoia, jealousy feed on me. They get stronger, louder and more convincing. They tell me am no good. That you will cheat. That that female friend is not just a friend. That you will leave me. Of course you will – what have I possibly got that would make you stay? Nothing!

I realized that not feeling worthy of love is what creates these ugly anxieties. I am in a constant feel that you’ll leave. That you won’t fight for me like I fought for you.That I won’t be good enough. That I’m not smart enough. Pretty enough!

I worry that some incredible woman will come along and be all of the things I am not and you will be gone. And I would have been right this entire time. 

It’s dumb and it’s exhausting.

It turns me into this horrible version of myself. Where I say insane things and act in insane ways and sometimes, on my worst days, I almost want you to prove me right. I want you to cheat because at least then, I can stop the worry, the anxiety and the controlling. It’ll be over. It’ll be done.

Being inside my head when it is tangled messed of crazy thoughts, with no route to get out, I pray for an ‘off’ switch. 

I might not be the kind of girl you want but why are you with me in the first place? I know I am difficult to love. I know I am tiring, challenging and stubborn. I know I am not always my best self and sometimes I expect too much. 

But please realize me from this trap or love me anyway! Love me for the declaration of my feeling and my fearlessness in chasing what we have. Love me for trying, love me for challenging my thoughts and for wanting to be better.

Don’t ask me why I haven’t left yet because If I ever decide to give up on you, understand how much that took out of me. Understand it took everything I had left inside of me to leave you alone. 

In response to generous

#LiveandLearn

 

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29 thoughts on “A Good Heart Loves Too Much.

      1. I have,
        On the first year we both really liked each other but didn’t really do anything about it because we were really young. On the end of the second year I became his really good friends and I told him; he said he didn’t like me that way but I was his close friend. And now its the third year and he’s leaving, and I know there is nothing I can do about it because he doesn’t like me in that way. I wish there was a way for him to like me; even just for one day would be enough for me. T.T
        (P.s. I want to write a post about him but I can’t because he is one of my closests friends and knows about my blog)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yea… maybe with time you will be able to write it. But you can phrase it as a poem too. Less details!!
        Am really sorry about that feeling. It’s the worst feelig ever. I have gone through it before. But that going away, will help too..
        But don’t write about him just yet…

        Liked by 1 person

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