My Era of Sleeping With Unconscious Bad Boys is Over.

 

I’m not going to lie, I’ve always had a super soft spot for the ‘bad boy’…the seemingly unobtainable man who enjoys playing women like there’s no tomorrow…the man who I know claims he doesn’t want a relationship, so he’s even more appealing to me because it means I don’t have to feel vulnerable and be truly seen in my everything-ness by him. It’s always been the safe option.

And let’s be honest ladies, these men are always so fucking hot. And they know how to fuck. And yes my pussy loves it at the time, but my heart is often left feeling empty. My heart yearns for more. More honouring. More love. More Goddess worship. It’s about time I listen to my heart.

So I’m making a choice to put a stop to my bad boy addiction and I’m pulling in the reigns once and for all. Because yes, I’m worth more than just another woman. I’m fucking Goddess and I want to be treated like one every single day. 

Recently I was reminded that when a man fucks a woman, he enters her not just with his cock, but with his entire consciousness. Energetically we receive every man we fuck into every cell in our body…we receive their vibration into our hearts and consciousness, and take on whatever is going on for that man in that moment in his life. Urggggggggg….

Reality Check!

Luckily this timely reminder has prompted me to set some very clear boundaries around who I fuck, and I now find myself asking some following questions prior to jumping into bed with a new lover. 

Firstly, whether they’re a one-night stand, a casual lover or a new partner, I will not accept anything less than utmost respect, presence, love and authenticity.

Are they open to deep intimacy, connection and passion? Can they be present, truly present, and allow for whatever arises when we are together? Can they fuck me senseless whilst also holding space and penetrating me with their consciousness?

Nope, I’m definitely not seeking some crazy airy fairy hippy tantric guru spiritual guy…I’m simply asking for real men who want genuine connection, honesty and conscious fucking and relating. 

This shit counts, it counts because no woman should put up with anything other than the above. Every woman should demand the Goddess treatment and know that they fucking deserve it. Women, own your Goddess. Demand the love, respect and integrity you deserve and fuck your conscious men to your heart’s content.

#LiveandLearn

screenshot_2017-01-26-15-54-15-11

Photo from my Instagram Page

 

Advertisements

Are You a Lady-in-waiting or Are You a Queen ready for a King?

 

The lady in waiting can have a little bit of power by sleeping with a man and enchanting him with her sexuality.  She can also have a little bit of power by meeting a man’s desires, expectations and ideas of how his ideal woman should behave.

But she doesn’t have legitimate power, because she is giving 80 per cent and he is only giving 20 per cent.

The Queen has legitimate power because The Queen does not wait. She attracts a King who is willing to go the extra distance. 

The lady in waiting does just that … waits and serves the needs of the prince so he is not displeased with her because if he is, the very horse he rode in and rescued her on is now heading in the opposite direction. She is terrified of that. The prince doesn’t have to stretch, because the princess depends on him. He has all the power because he knows how terrified she is that he will leave and never return. This is not legitimate power however, because it is derived from ego, not from loving awareness and a strong self-responsible will. 

The Prince says all the right things … but he is looking good and going nowhere, attracting a princess who is crying in longing from her ivory tower as he regularly rides off into the distance, taking advantage of her open waiting heart. ‘Please love me’, she calls … ‘Keep waiting’, his silence tells her.  She waits until she sees him again and he becomes more of an addiction than someone whom she can truly trust and feel safe to grow old with. 

Read moreJuliet Allen Words

#LiveandLearn

When They Say “You’ve Changed.”

“You’ve changed” is something I hear quit often these days and honestly I never really know how to respond. Do I say “I know” as to insinuate that me changing is a bad thing or do I ask how so, as if I don’t already know the answer.

Yes, I have changed and it’s because I am now 25 years old, an adult. I have also changed because I have worked and I am still working on being me. I now embrace my flaws that so many people wanted me to hide as if they weren’t there. I now laugh as loud as I want instead of the one that just giggled softly to make sure no one would ever tell me again, “You’re too loud”. I am now okay with allowing people to see me and not with the mask that everyone created for me to wear. I worked hard through life; I mean really work through in order not to allow childhood situations to cause me to become bitter, hardened, distant or unhappy.

Oh yes I have changed. I have changed back into the original version of myself. I have changed because it is so much easier to be my authentic self. I have changed into a woman who accepted that being abandon doesn’t have to make you weak, but stronger. I came to understand that not everyone will like me, people will break my heart and also that the sacrifice she made was hard but for the best and I promise myself never to let go of my child no matter the circumstances because I have felt the torture of knowing mum is alive but I just cannot be with her. Reasons were too complicated.

I am okay with knowing that I am not perfect and I am doing my best to make it right with myself. I am okay with knowing that after praying so hard for things to work out between my families, it ended up failing, which caused me to question my faith and God’s love for me. I am okay with knowing that I’m so much better off now because I have never been so in tune with my feelings. I know that I do not need a man or anyone to tell me how beautiful and strong I am. I have learnt to care about those that want to stay in my life and for those who will not stay; I would gladly open the door for them. I am okay and that is all because I have changed.

I am so excited about my changes even in spite of those people around me that are not as excited. I have grown so much into this woman that is free. I mean truly free, a freedom I had not experienced beating the freedom I thought I had when I left home for college ready to take on the world on my own terms. I love the way I look at life and all it has to offer now. I have embraced that there are so many things about me that are absolutely awesome. I have changed how I allow others to dictate who they think I should be in order for them to be comfortable. I have found my value and worth in my own perception of who I am and not others. I am free and I embrace this freedom. I know you must be thinking it cannot be that easy. It was not, it was definitely a process; a hard, painful, challenging and sometimes lonely process. It caused me to be vulnerable and people took advantage but it was worth it. I am still in the process but it’s so much I desire to peel away to keep pushing towards being ‘Me’. I had to come to terms with childhood issues, friendship issues, relationships issues, heart breaks issues, accepting life mistake issues, family issues, sex issues……the list can go on and on. But if that is what it takes to know who I truly am and love that woman, I embrace it now.  

So “You’ve changed” is now a compliment when heard. My eyes sparkle and I perk up. I now say “Thank you” with confidence and exhilaration. My life will state my happiness, I don’t have to shout it out to people, my demeanor will speak to it, my laughter will give notice, my inner joy will reach people before I say anything, my eyes will let you know my soul is free, and the fact that I won’t have to say a word is evidence that “I’ve changed”.

 #LiveandLearn

 

 

The Girl Who Filled Her Heart With Pickup Lines.

She dated whoever offered her affection; that jackass who told her he loved her, that player who told her she was the one, or the lonely guy who filled her head with ‘pickup lines’.

She never went to an event unaccompanied, her smile never faded and her heart was never empty, but rather it was full of all the wrong things. Cheesy lines and empty promises. 

She attracted the ‘bad boys’. These are the men she enjoyed being around with. These are the men who filled her heart.

She  would take what was offered to her. She couldn’t stand the feeling of an empty heart any longer. She knew nothing was long term, she knew all the compliments were based on her outside, she knew the promises were only spoken to receive whatever they wanted out of the relationship. She would rather go through all those broken relationships than lack the feeling of warmth form a lover’s comfort. She would live off meaningless kisses, lustful touches and cold embraces.

She was not promiscuous, she was weak. 

She was just in search for someone to love her back. 

Maybe one day!

#LiveandLearn

 

Sometimes You Got to Lose to Win Again.

As I start this journey, I’ll follow a road led by my heart.

I will go where it takes me.

My journey might take some time, a day or forever and this, I will tell you.

In case I don’t come back, don’t worry. I will be fine and so will you. 

My heart will take care of me and in time, I will be flying like an eagle, soaring in the sky, fearless and free. 

I might climb mountains and cross vast deserts but don’t worry about me. The journey will be tiring but I know it will be worth it. I know it will be worth every step and every drop of sweat. The scorching heat of the days and the bitter frost of the nights might wear out my poor body but I will go on and move forward.

There’s no going back. 

In case I don’t come back, don’t be sad. Don’t miss me.

Sometimes you got to lose to win again. 

#LiveandLearn

shine

 

 

 

Who wrote the book on goodbye?

“Who wrote the book on goodbye? It’s never been a way to make things easy…..either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire ” – LAUV

I mostly say goodbye when I don’t really mean it then come crawling back a week later when I can’t stand the silence anymore. I never say a complete goodbye. I can’t let go of the past that easily. No matter how bad it was. I know this about myself for sure. This mostly happens when it comes to the L.O.V.E

Anyone who has the same disease?

Well, here is my own of realization…..

The more you keep holding on, the more you destroy yourself because you expect something from someone who might have already let go. You need to let go of what you thought the relationship SHOULD have been like….because it didn’t end up that way…that’s not going to ever happen, so you need to let it go and stop thinking about it. You need to decide that you saying goodbye. It’s not enough to just think in your head, ‘okay this is over, time to move on’ but you have to actively work and work and work on saying goodbye. You need to say goodbye for you and not for him. You need to decide that the relationship is completely 100% over. And not just on his end but on your end too.

It’s actually rather comical that this realization came so close to the new year. And at the end of the year which sucked the life out of me. (2016 can go suck it). but hey, you need to decide…today…if not today, when you are ready. You need to officially turn the page on a chapter of your life and realize that you live this life just for you. This is what happens when you’re in your early twenties. People come and go as they please. People are selfish in a world I’m trying to be selfless. So it’s time for me to be selfish too and say goodbye to all that happened in 2016 for my own health and well being.

sometimes you have to go trade your heart for bones to know (My favorite quote this year!)

#LiveandLearn

Listen to this two song please – LAUV!

 

 

 

 

Tell us about your Holidays.

Hey people! How are you?

First, Happy new year to those reading this post. These holidays passed really quickly ! Well my question is: How?

I left  Nairobi town on the 22nd at 8:00pm, traveling to my mother’s hometown Shianda. First let me detail you about Shianda town. It’s not the busiest or nicest place you would want to spend your Holidays but it’s where I was born and where my mother lives. It’s more of a village life, but the most important thing was to spend it with my mother.

I arrived to my destination at about 5:00am on 23rd. I was welcomed with joy and excitement because I never go there as often. So I am always missed. You should have seen the smiles on my siblings faces. Unbelievable! They always know when Doreen comes home, she’s got nice things for us.

I slept most of the day on the 23rd because I was pretty tired from a 8 hours drive. 

On 24th, we went to Shianda town with my mum to buy food for Christmas. Well, we did buy a lot of goods. People in Shianda town spend their Christmas Holidays differently. My mum and my siblings did not have a clue about a Christmas tree. So I had to force one in the house. I asked one of my elder cousins to look for cypress tree and chop a branch down so that I can teach them the way Christmas is done in the big cities. It turned out to be the worst Christmas tree I had ever seen, but it was worth the try. Everyone was happy. I also tried to decorate the house with a few decorations I bought in Nairobi before I traveled.

In the evening of the 24th, I went to visit my favorite ‘Kukhu’ (grand mother). She doesn‘t live far from my mother’s house. Its a walking distance. Most of my siblings don‘t visit her often but when I decided to go, they all wanted to come with me. My ‘Kukhu’ always thanks me for that. She gave chicken, alive one to ‘chinja’ (slaughter) on Christmas day, groundnuts, and matoke, a whole bunch (unripe bananas for cooking). I also gave her my Christmas present that I bought for her. She was happy but she prefers money than anything else, so I did chop my money for her.

On the 25th, the first thing was to go to church. Of course, as a family, we all went to give God a big thank you for just being alive and healthy. Since am never around, the pastor called me to the front to introduce myself. Most of the people in Shianda have trouble understanding ‘English and even Kiswahili’ because they are used to speaking in mother tongue, so as I spoke in Swahili, the pastor translated to mother tongue….then we were done!

On Christmas night, we ate my ‘Kukhu’s chicken and rice with juice for dinner then after that, I gave the little presents I had bought from Nairobi to my siblings and my mother. Once again, the joy and laughter on their faces was unbelievable. I received lots of ‘thank yous, hugs and ‘Doreen is the best sister ever’ comments. Yikes! Am even tearing remembering that night. After that, I allowed the kids to watch movies on my laptop as my cousin, his friends and I built a bonfire outside and drunk while storytelling. I remember the sky was beautiful that day, lots of stars and the moon did shine right.

On 26th, I woke up with a hangover but not a bad one. On this day, I just spent with family. Visiting more relatives and some of my sister’s schoolmates came over to visit on the 27th and 28th. They stay close by. I gave them advice of their boyfriend issues and life issues when they asked. So so so many issues they had for young girl’s in school. but I understood because female children are the most disadvantaged people in the Shianda village society, as they are expected to be house-woman or to look for any kind of employment to get money to support their families. So I try to advice where I can. I loved sitting down with them under a tree and talk them through life, even though am still experiencing the hard ships of life. They were so eager to share their stories with the town girl…they are convinced that the town girl has more experience and has it all together.

The truth is, yes I do have experience but sometimes, I don‘t got it all. I just did not tell them that.

On 29th, spent it with aunties and uncles who came to visit me at my mum’s house. On 30th, my cousins and I went for swimming at Kakamega Golf Hotel. Kakamega town is Ksh 100/= from Shianda, a 45 minute drive. It was fun! Got drunk there too.

On 31st, we went for lunch at my grandmother’s house. Ate so much then came back to my mum’s in the evening. One of my cousins got into a motorcycle accident when coming from his escapades at around 8pm. He messed up his knee but he can still walk, limping though. We thanked God that it wasn’t that serious. We still crossed to the new year with joy and laughter, drinking. We stayed up late by the bonfire again and waited for midnight to celebrate the new year.

I traveled back to Nairobi last night.

Now I want you to tell me YOUR holidays, just few words or if you want even a long text (LOL).

Bye guys! 

chris