“You’ve changed” is something I hear quit often these days and honestly I never really know how to respond. Do I say “I know” as to insinuate that me changing is a bad thing or do I ask how so, as if I don’t already know the answer.
Yes, I have changed and it’s because I am now 25 years old, an adult. I have also changed because I have worked and I am still working on being me. I now embrace my flaws that so many people wanted me to hide as if they weren’t there. I now laugh as loud as I want instead of the one that just giggled softly to make sure no one would ever tell me again, “You’re too loud”. I am now okay with allowing people to see me and not with the mask that everyone created for me to wear. I worked hard through life; I mean really work through in order not to allow childhood situations to cause me to become bitter, hardened, distant or unhappy.
Oh yes I have changed. I have changed back into the original version of myself. I have changed because it is so much easier to be my authentic self. I have changed into a woman who accepted that being abandon doesn’t have to make you weak, but stronger. I came to understand that not everyone will like me, people will break my heart and also that the sacrifice she made was hard but for the best and I promise myself never to let go of my child no matter the circumstances because I have felt the torture of knowing ‘mum is alive but I just cannot be with her’. Reasons were too complicated.
I am okay with knowing that I am not perfect and I am doing my best to make it right with myself. I am okay with knowing that after praying so hard for things to work out between my families, it ended up failing, which caused me to question my faith and God’s love for me. I am okay with knowing that I’m so much better off now because I have never been so in tune with my feelings. I know that I do not need a man or anyone to tell me how beautiful and strong I am. I have learnt to care about those that want to stay in my life and for those who will not stay; I would gladly open the door for them. I am okay and that is all because I have changed.
I am so excited about my changes even in spite of those people around me that are not as excited. I have grown so much into this woman that is free. I mean truly free, a freedom I had not experienced beating the freedom I thought I had when I left home for college ready to take on the world on my own terms. I love the way I look at life and all it has to offer now. I have embraced that there are so many things about me that are absolutely awesome. I have changed how I allow others to dictate who they think I should be in order for them to be comfortable. I have found my value and worth in my own perception of who I am and not others. I am free and I embrace this freedom. I know you must be thinking it cannot be that easy. It was not, it was definitely a process; a hard, painful, challenging and sometimes lonely process. It caused me to be vulnerable and people took advantage but it was worth it. I am still in the process but it’s so much I desire to peel away to keep pushing towards being ‘Me’. I had to come to terms with childhood issues, friendship issues, relationships issues, heart breaks issues, accepting life mistake issues, family issues, sex issues……the list can go on and on. But if that is what it takes to know who I truly am and love that woman, I embrace it now.
So “You’ve changed” is now a compliment when heard. My eyes sparkle and I perk up. I now say “Thank you” with confidence and exhilaration. My life will state my happiness, I don’t have to shout it out to people, my demeanor will speak to it, my laughter will give notice, my inner joy will reach people before I say anything, my eyes will let you know my soul is free, and the fact that I won’t have to say a word is evidence that “I’ve changed”.