Continuation of my story of how I felt when I lost my friend in 2009. I dream of him sometimes and thought I should write it down. Click here for Part 1
I pulled myself up onto the bed and hugged him. I did not want to let him go. I wasn’t ready. “I love you” my voice was shaking and my throat hurt from all the screaming and crying. I lay there sobbing on his still chest trying my hardest to find his heartbeat in the melancholy silence.
Suddenly, I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. It was my best friend Ruth. She did not say anything. She just stood there, gazing pitifully into my eyes. I got up as she pulled me into her arms. “I’m so sorry” she whispered. That short cliche phrase caused an explosion in my chest. It was like a confirmation of what was happening and I just wasn’t ready to accept the truth.
‘No! this can’t be!” I cried still frozen in her hug. “I just can’t….I can’t do this without him.’
“I know it hurts…” her voice was very soothing. “But you can do it. We will do it together.”
When I met Antony, Ruth was always there when we had relationship issues. Yes, at some point in life, Antony and I dated.
“No…no” Every word was a struggle. “You don’t get it!” I cried.
“I do! I promise you that you’re strong enough to get through this. I know you loved him but he wouldn’t want to see you this way. He would want you to live on.” I could sense it was hurting her to see me this way. She slowly released me from her warm hug, back into the cold and bitter reality, taking a step back leaving me standing beside the metal hospital bed.
Once again, I gazed at Antony. I wanted to carve his face into my memory forever. His temp fade ragged black hair that when cut to perfection, made his dark eyes pop and sparkle like stars every time he saw me. His beautiful full lips that kissed me with so much love and tenderness, and his cute dimples every time he smiled at me. His big arms for a nineteen year old boy that kept me feeling safe in the darkest days and nights.
I can’t imagine not being able hearing his cute laugh, his sweet voice anymore. I will miss the goodnight calls and the morning texts. The way he used to pull me close and stare deep into my eyes. Those random hugs and kisses. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. When I was with him I felt like nothing else mattered.
I stood there motionless. For a second it was like time froze. The rain water from my braids was dripping down my spine. I could barely breathe from crying so much. The tears were still streaming down my face like tiny waterfalls and in my head, I kept replaying the moments I spent with him. Every flashback made me die a little more
How am I going to live without him? He was everything to me. He was my all.