To The Love I Wasn’t Ready For, I’m Sorry

After my last relationship, the one that broke me the most, I decided to take a break from dating. I needed time alone. I needed to find myself again. Because with him, I lost myself. 

From being alone, I learned the lesson that the universe has been trying to teach me all along but I was too stubborn to listen.

I learned how to depend on myself. I realized that family doesn’t always mean love, and romance doesn’t mean forever. I learned that I better find a way to always make it on my own because my friends won’t help me and my prince charming won’t come save and my family won’t always be there. 

And as months went on, and I continued enjoying my own company, I met a guy. And we hit it off as friends, at least that’s what I thought. Soon, there was an ‘ I like you’ text from him then ‘I like you so so much’ then ‘cant we date’ text. This came after three months of friendship.

At this moment, I was 8 months single, and my girlfriends would tell me, ‘when will you ever know that you’re done with your ex if you don’t get into another relationship?’ ‘You’ve got a guy that likes and adores you so much’ ‘why don’t you date him and see where it leads to?’

It was so damn clear that he liked me very much. For the sake of my friends and their everyday advice, I agreed. 

‘Yes I will date you’ I replied a week later. 

This happened in November 2017. 

Through December, everything was good. We spent new years together and that’s when he told me, he loves me. But I couldn’t reply back. 

“I love you” has always been a difficult thing for me to say. It’s not that I’m incapable of loving people, but I didn’t grow up in an overly warm household and a lot of that probably rubbed off on me. My father was always distant even when he was right there in front of me, and sometimes all I wanted was for him to tell me that he loved me, to make me feel loved. It never happened, and I always felt like the unloved child of the bunch until I learned to start loving myself.

So when I get into relationships I’m almost never the first person to say “I love you,” even if I know I’m bat shit cray cray/head over heels for someone. It’s not great, I know, but I’m one of those people who just assumes that the other person knows how I feel already. I always do cute little things and drop subtle hints so they know I care. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?

He continued with the ‘i love you’ texts and after every phone call and every time we parted ways from dates. I still never said it back. Not even once. 

January came and went. Then at the start of February, i called it quits.

I did that because, not only that saying ‘I love you’ has always been a difficult thing for me to say, but also, I realized that, I’m not ready to love again. 

At the moment, I want to keep working on me, to keep bettering myself, keep getting my life on track, completing all the things I want to do and becoming happy on my own. I want to fill in the blanks in my own life, I don’t want to turn to someone and have them fill in the blanks for me. I don’t want someone to come in and try to complete me because I want to be complete on my own.

Maybe one day, I will be ready to love again. But not today.

They say time heals everything, but unfortunately time had not fully taken its course to heal me and soon enough, my insecurities returned once again and my troubling past came back to haunt me.

In case you come across this post, I just want to say that I’m truly sorry I was not ready for you. I’m truly sorry that I was not able to accept the love you were more than willing to give me. I’m sorry for the apology I never gave you when I said I wasn’t ready for you. I’m sorry for providing no explanation for the sudden pain I might have caused you. 

Most of all I’m sorry for convincing myself I was ready to love again.

Before you came along, I was recovering. I was trying to understand how I could give my all to someone and it was still not enough for someone to stick around. I thought I finally had a grip on the understanding that perhaps you were the perfect solution to fix my problems. But you weren’t. 

#liveandlearn

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