Author Archives: eshinalidoreen

About eshinalidoreen

A black girl who's a Lover of life and an enthusiast of all good things in life. I'm all about balance, and this is exactly what you 'll find here on my blog - a happy & healthy energy lingering on each post. Through my mantra of #liveandlearn, I do NOT shy away from expressing my opinions, thoughts and feelings. Life is a story and I decided to share my experiences with you. Enjoy my everyday rants. Your Welcome!!

Beautifully Chaotic

Don’t let anybody tell you about love

What do they know?

Don’t let anybody tell you that true love doesn’t exist. It probably just means they had a bad experience. But, don’t let them tell you it’s fairy tale either. It just means that they’ve gotten lucky.

You have to figure love out on your own. There is no definition for love. It isn’t like an elementary vocab word.

Just like our finger prints, love is different for everyone.

Love can be either beautiful or chaotic. Or it can be beautifully chaotic.



Life Can Be Unkind But Only Sometimes

I like to think that for every bad thing that happens, something good will find its way to you. Because life is not meant to add up, it’s not meant to have a final answer and it’s not meant to be all figured out.

Life is not meant to go one way or the other. It’s not meant to be black or white. It will always confuse us and take us by surprise. It will always ambush us with situations we were not prepared for. It may sometimes be too much to handle and sometimes too beautiful to forget. Sometimes it’s going to be on our side and everything will align perfectly and sometimes it will elude us. It will fool us. It will play the worst tricks on us.

But I like to think that we also know how to adapt. We know how to change, grow and evolve so we can keep up with life. We know how to fall down then stand back up. We know how to fail then start over. We know how to bounce back from the hardest setbacks. We know how to survive.

Life can be more powerful than us but we still know how to win. We know how to battle. We know how to fight back.

So maybe we just need to slow down. Stop running. Stop chasing. Stop trying too hard and stop choosing to suffer because of what others put us through or what life did to us.


Being a Ride or Die Chick Has No Difference From Writing “I’m a fool” Across Your Forehead

“How many burdens of his boyhood will you carry for your comfort, despite yours? How many untrustworthy situations will you jump over, with an uncertain hope that maybe he’ll grow out of putting both of you in them? How many of your satisfactions will you facilitate while yours are left unaddressed?”

These are the questions I ask myself when my girlfriend tells me. “I bear with him, because he is my ride or die.” “You don’t know what we’ve been through.” “This is a ride or die type of relationship and you wouldn’t understand,” she says.

Truthfully, when I watched Love and Hiphop Atlanta for the first time, that’s when the concept of ‘Ride or Die’ rubbed me wrong. I winced at Mimi’s semi-emotional scene with the rest of the world as she poured her heart out to K.Michelle about Stevie’s baby fiasco with Joseline. Part of me wanted to feel sympathetic for her, I mean no woman wants to hear that her man has gotten someone else pregnant, but then again was Stevie even qualified to be called anyone’s man at all? I mean his penis pretty much seemed to be public property. Then, I thought woah, Mimi was way too calm. This probably wasn’t the first time that had happened. *sigh*

Ride or die chicks have been around since the beginning of time, Bible days if you will (go read the story of Sarah and Abraham if you need proof). Before they were known as “ride or dies”, they were simply known as women who stood by their men and didn’t dip out at the first sign of stormy weather. Somewhere around the 2000s (i think), we were introduced to the term “ride or die chick”, and since then all hell has broken loose. Good women who once stood by their men in the face of normal adversity such as financial hardships, sickness, etc. were now being expected to toss all of their God-given sense out of the window and stick by their man no matter how ridiculous the foolishness is that he brings to her doorstep. This term has been marketed and romanticized by music, novels, and television to the point where it is sickening. Women eventually began to proudly rock their ride or die titles as if it were some Girl Scout’s badge of honor, which was no different than writing “I’m a fool” across their foreheads because riding for a man through any and everything is downright foolish. Every woman should draw the line somewhere.

Women have many different reasons riding with their men through the craziest of situations, the most sincere reason being love. Let’s go back to Stevie J and Mimi. While I believed that Mimi loved Stevie, I couldn’t help but think that there had to be another driving motive accompanied by love that kept her stagnant in that relationship. The disrespect that Stevie demonstrates over and over was unlike anything I had ever witnessed before.

What I will say is that the man who came up with the “ride or die” philosophy is absolutely ingenious. He’s convinced women world wide to give their all only to receive crap in return. Sticking by your man through hard times is one thing, but allowing him to make you his fool is something else. To be a good woman who stands by her man is admirable, to be a ride or die is foolish. Sometimes staying isn’t what makes you strong, but knowing your worth and deciding that you won’t tolerate abuse or disrespect. People do make mistakes and forgiveness is important, but once a mistake becomes a habit it is time to reevaluate.

Think straight ladies!


Love Don’t Change. We Do.

I have been in love. Though I never really understood how much that word weighed until I started carrying it in my pockets. I have marveled at how it sunk deep into my vocabulary and took over every syllable left in my mouth. I tried so hard to plan out the confession and the speech I would deliver so beautifully. But that word, with all its weight, foiled those plans.

Things changed quicker than I could exhale a breath. I was in the middle before I saw it all begin. And that’s how fast love happens. It doesn’t politely knock on your door, or mail itself to you in an envelope, waiting to be opened. It just storms through your life and steals you.

It’s funny when I think back on it now. How careful we both were. How much those words weighed. How we exhausted them for the next couple of months, saying them over and over, texting and typing those words out so perfectly, reminding one another again and again and again.

Now when I look at him, I say the words silently. When he goes in for a hug, I dodge him like a bee. I cower. I pull back. I tuck that love back in my pockets and continue to let it weigh me down. It makes a campsite in my heart, burning veins to keep itself warm, destroying me from the inside out.

It burns to speak to him. It burns to breathe around him. My body is a smoky entry. My mouth tastes of hurtful words and emotions I expelled carelessly. We don’t say much when we see each other. We weave everything into our silences.

Sometimes you can REALLY love a person, and still understand that you’re not right for them. Sometimes you can hurt and be sad and miss a person AND still choose to not be with him. It takes great bravery to decide to let someone you love go in hopes you’ll both find what you truly need. It feels like you’re going crazy, but in the end, you will thank yourself.

Don’t ever let love be a crutch. Love doesn’t mean you’re a perfect match. It just means you have a good heart and maybe it’s time to give it to someone else. Because love doesn’t always change. We just have to.




A Prayer For You And Your Scars

I hope you find someone who loves you for your scars.

Your scars are the battles you fought
alone, scared, broken at midnight
navigating the map of your lost soul,
wearing nothing but threadbare dreams,
with demons who would not die,
and who could not rest.
and still strong, you fought on.

I pray you find someone who loves you for your scars

Your scars will tell the stories your lips cannot.
Your scars will reveal secrets your heart cannot.
Your scars will create meaning to the little things you do.
So find someone who loves you for your scars.
This is all that I can pray for, for you.

I May Be Soft But It Is Not My Weakness

I have  been told that I am too soft more times than I can remember. I am too soft because I carry my heart on my sleeve for anyone who will show me a little bit of kindness. I am too soft because I give those who hurt me chances once, twice, three times and even four. I am too soft because I forgive easily and I forget too quickly. I am too soft because my heart aches when I see someone enduring even a tiny amount of pain. I am too soft because I am too friendly – as if being friendly is a bad thing. I am too soft because I will do things for those I love without questioning whether they’d do the same for me. I am too soft because I love too much and too deeply. I am too soft because I let those I love take me for granted time and time again. I am too soft because I let them break me even though I never would.

Truth is, I am not soft. I am strong.

I am strong because even after I endure the worst kind of pain, I manage to heal. I am strong because I go into the depths of despair and rise stronger, bolder and wiser than ever before. I am strong because I use my voice as a way to empower myself and others. I am strong because I helped myself get back up again. I am strong because I wiped my tears and plastered my own wounds. I am strong because I didn’t rely on anyone else to save me. I am strong because I saved me. I am strong because despite it all I am still here, I am still smiling and I am happier than I’ve ever been. I am strong because I found myself in so many ways throughout it all. I am strong because I have the power to love myself, because I am here for myself. I am strong because I will never give up on me.

I know I may be soft but it is not my weakness, it is my strength. Because even though I am soft, I am strong and isn’t then a wonderful thing?