To The One Who Will Have My Heart Next

Look, I don’t want to end up like my friend’s parents. I never do.

I don’t want to end up like my father and his many wives. I never do.

So dear future love, if our conversations aren’t like how they used to be when we started off; young and in love and so full of hope, and we can’t look into each other in the eye anymore, and we never sit beside each other or be by each others side anymore, and we can’t talk to each other without arguing or starting a fight, and we don’t laugh and smile at each others jokes, and our pride becomes more important than forgiveness and love, and we never sleep on the same bed at the same time, and you start looking for another woman because you don’t feel like you used to with me anymore, knowing I’ll end up more broken than I was before, and if we’re still together because we’re required to be and not because we want to spend the rest of our lives loving and sharing our happiness with each other…..

Promise me. Just Promise me, damn it. Promise me, you’ll let me go. You have to, okay? You need to let me go. Just promise me that, and I’ll promise I’ll do the same.

Experience is the best teacher, and the worst experiences teach the best lessons.

#liveandlearn

 

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Her & Him

“why do you keep loving

even when your heart keeps on hurting?” he asked

 

“maybe, it’s the pain

that makes love a

beautiful phenomenon which keeps me going” she replied

daily prompt: conversation

#liveandlearn

 

2017 Summed Up In Seventeen Sentences

1. You can’t convince someone to stay.

2. Hurting is better than feeling numb.

3. Being single can feel better than being in a relationship where you feel more alone.

4. Some people will hate every bit of you and all you can do is accept that and move on.

5. Friends will come and go, don’t let that ruin your self esteem.

6. Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver

7. Every person you know is struggling with something. Reach out.

8. Sex feels way better when it’s with someone who you care about.

9. No matter how much you like someone, it doesn’t mean they will automatically reciprocate those feelings.

10. Never ever chase someone who doesn’t want to be chased.

11. You are worth more than you think you are.

12. Good friends are hard to find, so when you find them, hold on tight.

13. Sometimes life is shitty. But life will also go on.

14. You will never get to where you want to be in life by complaining.

15. Men will continue to ghost you, hurt you, and disappoint you. But they will also continue to give you butterflies, make you giddy, and give you love.

16. This is YOUR life. Don’t live just to please other people. 

17. Learn to say what you want and mean.

#liveandlearn

One Of The Lasting Side Effects Of Having Loved Someone

Some people are just really difficult to let go of.

That’s one of the lasting side effects of having loved someone. The more intoxicating the love, the more difficult it will be to let go of it all and move on with your life. You’re not going to want to let go because you remember how good it once was and believe it could be that good again. You still have hope that things may one day change.

And you’re right. Things will surely change, but how they will change likely won’t align with the way you’re hoping things will change. But I’m just speaking from personal experience.

Even when you come to accept that it is time to move on, it’s not always easy to move on. The question of “why?” keeps popping into your mind. “Why did things have to end this way?”

I’m here to tell you it doesn’t matter why. Things ended the way they ended because that’s the way they ended. You can pick apart and learn from your mistakes, but past that, there isn’t anything else to learn from the circumstance.

It’s important to understand not everything happens for a reason. I know this goes against what most of us have been taught to believe, but the reality is some things didn’t need to happen but happened nonetheless. And all we can do is learn from our mistakes and work toward a better, more fulfilling future for ourselves.

If we hold onto the belief that everything happens for a reason, it becomes impossible to let go of our past. It’s true that our past stays with us in one way or another, but if we wish to one day feel alive again, we must shift our focus into the future. We must focus on action.

Daily Prompt: Almost

Hope you all had a Merry Merry Christmas.

#LiveandLearn

Book Review#5 ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ by Sherry Argov

I read this book for three reasons. Firstly, it was out of curiosity. Secondly, for experimental purposes and thirdly, the title was catchy.  So I spent the past few days learning about the bitch theory: How to be a bitch. The bitch lifestyle. What the bitch eats, sleeps, thinks. Go for the crotch or rip his heart out straight up.

But first. What the author mean by this term: Bitch

Bitch (noun)- A woman who won’t bang her head against the wall obsessing over someone else’s opinion–be it a man or anyone else in her life. She understands that if someone does not approve of her, it’s just one person’s opinion; therefore, it’s of no real importance. she doesn’t try to live up to anyone else’s standards- only her own. Because of this she relates to man very differently

The “new and improved” bitch is not a bad thing. She is a refined version of the proverbial, “old” bitch. She’s not abrasive or mean, nor does she nag to get what she wants. She speaks with her actions, and she’s only a bitch when she has to be.

According to some, the word derives from the first letters in the following phrase: B abe I n T otal C ontrol of H erself. The only higher crown, the only higher honor, is to be called a “High Maintenance Bitch.” It’s a sign of success, indicating that this is the woman the guy ends up keeping

Pretty great I’d say. I learned a lot from this book… that I will not be using. Why? Because I don’t want to be a “bitch.” I disagree strongly with a lot of points in here. Nice girl syndrome? Maybe. Some points were solid, I won’t do this book a dishonor and be oblivious to them but I believe you can be a “nice girl” and still be firm and strong. I believe you don’t need strategies and game plans in relationships. Trickery and a whole lot of other shenanigans to effect commitment. If you do then don’t be sorry when it feels like a lie. Because it is a lie. The problem wasn’t the advice and tips itself, but more about the context and how they projected the imagery of puppet and puppet master.

Sherry Argov went on. A bitch doesn’t need approvals. She has her own priorities ..her things are equally important for her…she knows who she is….she can take decisions for herself…she knows how to please herself…she doesn’t let her be taken for granted and much more of similar blah blah… so much of idealism that sometimes it was too overwhelming! Do such women exist?? Are such women actually someone a man would long for??

It’s an OK read. Some things are true and we all know about them. There are things which we would like to hold true and some are quite superficial and maybe a bit far from reality. It really depends on context, your background, perspective and so on! You won’t miss anything great if you don’t read it and if you do, it’s not going to change much in you (my personal view!!) just because you read this book!!! And if you get loved by a man because you are a “bitch”, you are one lucky woman! LOL

Few “bitchy” lines from the book:

“Anytime a woman competes with another woman she demeans herself.”

“He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him.”

“When you meet someone who is truly great, he makes you believe you can be great, too. This is the kind of relationship you want, and it’s the only kind of relationship worth having.”

“The most attractive quality of all is dignity.”

“The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.”

“Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is “no contact”.”

“Success in love isn’t about looks, it’s about attitude.”

“If someone else doesn’t like your confidence, that’s their problem.

“Why? You always come before they do, that’s why.”

“Men control the world, but women control the men.”

“If you can’t convince ’em, confuse ’em.”

“You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face”

“The nice girl makes the mistake of being available all the time.”

“When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything.”

“It isn’t about looks; gorgeous women get dumped every day.”

“Don’t learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.”

#liveandlearn

“You’re A Man And Men Shouldn’t Cry” Said The Society.

I was watching a series during the weekend and this conversation came about between a teenage boy and his step-father.

Why are you crying? Your a boy, boys shouldn’t be crying; didn’t your dad teach you anything?

Oh that’s right, your dad walked out first chance he got; no surprise there, you were always a let down to him.

like he always said, “ya ma should’ve gotten that abortion like I told her to.”

seriously stop crying, you look like a girl; is that seriously how you want to be viewed.

boys are meant to be tough and there is nothing tough about you asides from all the kilos of fat refusing to leave your body.

oh did I hurt your feelings little boy?

It saddens me that, that part of the movie was even approved. It saddens me that boys/men have a choice in the mechanism of how to relieve from pain. It’s like they are prisoners trapped in a cave. But I also know it’s not entirely your fault. Society has taught you to be hard. They have convinced you that is best way to deal with it all. You have been told to put it down until you self-destruct, because that is so much better than looking weak, even for a brief moment.

You curse instead of cry. You yell instead of plead. You fight instead of feel. It’s why your muscles get bigger, along with your voice and ego.

I have had boyfriends who have allowed themselves the freedom to cry. Expressing all types of feelings. As we all know, life is hard. But I think that was because we were dating and when you are dating someone, you tend to be comfortable around them. Men who are like that, are 2% out of 100%.

I just want you to know that, when you give yourself freedom to feel and the freedom to express how you feel, you are able to truly accept and understand your emotions.

I feel sorry that you have not learned this. I really do. I feel sorry that you are unable to cope with your sadness in effective, healthy ways and instead you have to express yourself through anger or toughness.

All of the bad memories you refuse to discuss, the painful scars you never let heal, the hurtful words others have said that you’ve ignored, they will one day tear you apart because there has been so much you left without confronting.

I hope one day you open up. I hope one day you cry. I hope you let tears fall down your face as they with the water that sprays onto you in the shower. I hope you look at yourself in the mirror wash your hair a mess, your eyes puffy and nose runny. I hope you hold onto your knees in the middle of the night. I hope you push your face into your pillow so as to not let others hear you sob. I hope one day you let the love of your life hold onto you as you hyperventilate, unable to express why it is you are sad, because the words just won’t come out.

I’m not saying this to hurt you. I do not hope for people to feel pain, but sadly it is a feeling we all have to go through. Pain is inevitable.

Remember, you have an ability to completely break down, to fall a part, to cry, to meltdown, to give up, to face all it is that has hurt you and then pick yourself up again. That is true strength. You need to be in touch with your inner compass or you will carry so much in your day to day life.

I hope you realize this one day.

Daily Prompt: Torn

#liveandlearn

Read This, If You Are A Tangled Mess Who Overthinks Everything, Just Like I Do.

I have moments in which my mind is so overwhelmed by emotions. When my head becomes such a mess that I don’t even know where to start when I want to clean it up. I don’t know which emotions to grab onto. Often, it’s just because I need something to occupy the time ahead of me. Other times, it’s out of boredom. But all the time it leads to overthinking and that, for me, is never good.

When I overthink, my vocabulary only expands to ‘what if’s’ and ‘I bet this will go wrong’ and ‘I wonder if anyone will notice the bags under my eyes because I was too busy worrying about the little things instead of doing the normal thing, that is getting some sleep.’ I realized there is no such thing as positivity in overthinking.

I overthink texts, because so many boys have tricked me before. I overthink what to wear, how to style my hair, what looks casual but not lazy. What looks attractive but not like I’m trying too hard. I overthink how flirty I should act because I don’t want to look desperate, like I’m trying too hard, like I’m dying for their attention.

I seriously overthink about the stupidest things, like what to post on my social media and what not to post because I worry of being judged before getting to know me better. I overthink when writing my blog posts. I’m overthinking right now, writing this. What if I use the wrong word and some of my grammar isn’t right? So I re-read every paragraph over and over again. Or what if none of this make sense to anyone reading. What if this was just a waste of time. I bet this was all for nothing and I wonder if anyone is going to notice that at this point I’m just rambling for the sake of getting words down?

That’s what overthinking feels like. It’s the need to fill that empty space in my head with something, anything, just as long as it isn’t empty anymore. Just as long as it gives me something to think about. It’s over analyzing  something so little and tiny that it eventually becomes so much bigger and more haunting than before. It’s not knowing when to stop and not knowing if you’ll wake up in the morning with the same thoughts in your head. The doubts, the worry following you around as you go on with your day.

Did I just overthink about overthinking?

I think, I got this habit from my father. He does overthink about everything…and I mean everything, no matter how little the situation is, and it drives me insane. I realized, I do the same thing. I worry a little too much. I don’t know how long I have been doing it. But last night, overthinking got the best of me that I had to write about it.

According to my father, overthinking isn’t all bad. It means, you’re the type of person that is always prepared. No matter what life throws at you, you find a way to handle it.

Is that really true?

#liveandlearn

 

The world owes you nothing.

Most people who fail to pay attention to this are often angry and bitter at life. Look around,tell me if I’m lying.

A BOOK JUNKIE'S WORLD

Artwork By The KenyanBookJunkie Artwork By The KenyanBookJunkie

“Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.” – Aesop

I guess this is my somewhat vague attempt at explaining my hiatus for the past one month. I lost focus, I listened to the voices around me and I let my vision get faltered.

You see, everyone around you has a certain image of who you are and what you ought to be. Most people think that you could do so much better by doing things different which simply translates to doing things their way.

While some of these people usually have your best interest at heart, it is vital to remember that it is always up to you. The choices that you make, the path that you take are and ought to be your own prerogative. There is no right or wrong way to live life, we were never meant to be…

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Why I Write My Thoughts and Feelings On The Internet.

I write to find my voice. The voice that doesn’t always speak the truth to people but find its truth on paper.

I write to expose the vulnerability that I try to curb every day. I write to free myself.

I write to try to understand the person that lives inside me, the person that confuses me sometimes and comforts me every now and then.

I write to share my stories. The stories that actually happened and the stories that I wished had happened.

I write to forget certain people, or maybe I write to remember them.

I write to connect with strangers, to make new friends and to know that I’m not alone.

I write about my past to remember that I survived and that time heals all wounds.

I write about my future because I want to paint it the way I like it.

I write about my present because I’m still trying to figure out how to live it.

I write about conversations I wish I could have.

I write about a love I haven’t found yet.

I write about things I’m searching for. I write so I can imagine myself finding them.

I write because writing comes from the heart, I write because my mind can’t get involved in the process.

I write because writing allows me to be anyone I want, to erase certain memories, to relive certain memories or even start a new chapter.

I write because I want my children and grandchildren to understand me and see how times can change.

I write because somehow I want to leave something for them to remember me by – I want to leave something for the world to remember me by.

I write for those who are broken and those who are whole, for those who are in love and those who are in pain.

I write for those who feel things so deeply and who are moved by words that capture their emotions.

I write because one day I will look back and see how much I’ve grown.

I write because one day my writing will save me even if it kills me.

I write even when I don’t feel like writing; because the more I write, the more the world makes sense to me, the more I write, the more I find myself and the more I write, the more I believe that somehow I can still control how my story ends.

#liveandlearn

Daily Prompt: Theory

#bloggingbranding

 

Personal Letter To Future Self.

Dear 30 Year Old Me!

Sup Bitch! I hope you are alive and well and I hope that you are reading this from somewhere sunny. I thought I should put this on internet so that it would never disappear.

Do you know that in 2021 you will be turning from the big 2 to the big 3? That’s four years from now. Let’s just say three years because in 2 months from today, you will be 27. 

Anyways, if you have done everything that I anticipated us doing, then you will be living some of the best year of your life right now.

Right now, I can’t say everything is perfect but you are trying to balance a life of college academia, socialization, work, writing, blogging and sleep. It is not always easy and sometimes you have to sacrifice one or two for the other. By the way, how’s blogging, huh?

I want to believe with every fibre of my being that writing is still a big part of your life. At least it has some role. Perhaps you’re writing more, maybe getting paid to.

I hope that this idea that happiness prevails has stuck with you. As I am writing this, I think that we have seen it all. Death, illness, broken promises, compassion and plenty of adventures. No matter what is going on in your life right now, just breathe. You’re going to be okay. Whatever you happen to be going through, it will pass. And come on, you’re DOREEN KHAMALA.

Perhaps you are not seeing the world with the sunny disposition that I am seeing it with right now. Maybe time has made you more cynical or something has happened to you that made you doubt more than you already do (which is quite often). If that is the case, I can only hope you somehow stumble upon this letter and remember this simple notion: It is never too late to pursue passion and happiness.

I do not know if you are married or if you have kids or if you have gone down your dream career path but so long as you are happy, healthy and you still call your parents everyday, then I will be proud o the adult you have become. And remember, being an adult does not mean you cannot feel as free spirited as you are when you were young.

I don’t know what else to say except good luck. Remember why you started when you want to give up. The only person holding you back is yourself. Go after your goals. Say yes. Roll the dice. You may be surprised, Doreen.

Here’s to living with no regrets. Don’t panic. Do you. You’re not anyone else.

Keep Crushing

Sincerely, 26 year old self.

#liveandlearn

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