To The Love I Wasn’t Ready For, I’m Sorry

After my last relationship, the one that broke me the most, I decided to take a break from dating. I needed time alone. I needed to find myself again. Because with him, I lost myself. 

From being alone, I learned the lesson that the universe has been trying to teach me all along but I was too stubborn to listen.

I learned how to depend on myself. I realized that family doesn’t always mean love, and romance doesn’t mean forever. I learned that I better find a way to always make it on my own because my friends won’t help me and my prince charming won’t come save and my family won’t always be there. 

And as months went on, and I continued enjoying my own company, I met a guy. And we hit it off as friends, at least that’s what I thought. Soon, there was an ‘ I like you’ text from him then ‘I like you so so much’ then ‘cant we date’ text. This came after three months of friendship.

At this moment, I was 8 months single, and my girlfriends would tell me, ‘when will you ever know that you’re done with your ex if you don’t get into another relationship?’ ‘You’ve got a guy that likes and adores you so much’ ‘why don’t you date him and see where it leads to?’

It was so damn clear that he liked me very much. For the sake of my friends and their everyday advice, I agreed. 

‘Yes I will date you’ I replied a week later. 

This happened in November 2017. 

Through December, everything was good. We spent new years together and that’s when he told me, he loves me. But I couldn’t reply back. 

“I love you” has always been a difficult thing for me to say. It’s not that I’m incapable of loving people, but I didn’t grow up in an overly warm household and a lot of that probably rubbed off on me. My father was always distant even when he was right there in front of me, and sometimes all I wanted was for him to tell me that he loved me, to make me feel loved. It never happened, and I always felt like the unloved child of the bunch until I learned to start loving myself.

So when I get into relationships I’m almost never the first person to say “I love you,” even if I know I’m bat shit cray cray/head over heels for someone. It’s not great, I know, but I’m one of those people who just assumes that the other person knows how I feel already. I always do cute little things and drop subtle hints so they know I care. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?

He continued with the ‘i love you’ texts and after every phone call and every time we parted ways from dates. I still never said it back. Not even once. 

January came and went. Then at the start of February, i called it quits.

I did that because, not only that saying ‘I love you’ has always been a difficult thing for me to say, but also, I realized that, I’m not ready to love again. 

At the moment, I want to keep working on me, to keep bettering myself, keep getting my life on track, completing all the things I want to do and becoming happy on my own. I want to fill in the blanks in my own life, I don’t want to turn to someone and have them fill in the blanks for me. I don’t want someone to come in and try to complete me because I want to be complete on my own.

Maybe one day, I will be ready to love again. But not today.

They say time heals everything, but unfortunately time had not fully taken its course to heal me and soon enough, my insecurities returned once again and my troubling past came back to haunt me.

In case you come across this post, I just want to say that I’m truly sorry I was not ready for you. I’m truly sorry that I was not able to accept the love you were more than willing to give me. I’m sorry for the apology I never gave you when I said I wasn’t ready for you. I’m sorry for providing no explanation for the sudden pain I might have caused you. 

Most of all I’m sorry for convincing myself I was ready to love again.

Before you came along, I was recovering. I was trying to understand how I could give my all to someone and it was still not enough for someone to stick around. I thought I finally had a grip on the understanding that perhaps you were the perfect solution to fix my problems. But you weren’t. 

#liveandlearn

Advertisements

12 Things I Would Want My Ex To Know

“I wish I could tell you in person, but I cannot.”

@my ex: I wish you would have appreciated me when you had me instead of deciding to appreciate me once I left.

@my ex: I wish you would’ve let me know my worth instead of fighting for it.

@my ex: I wish you did not just want me and the other girls you dated for their bodies. Look at the qualities the girls have in their minds

@my ex: Wish you understand what you did is classified as abuse

@my ex: I hope you see someday why I had to end things with you. We were in two different points in our lives and we didn’t need to hold each other back.

@my ex: I wish someday you would realize how much you really fucked me up. No girl should ever be treated the way you treated me.

@my ex: I wish you would have loved me like I loved you.

@my ex: I wish you put in more effort.

@my ex: I wish you could have communicated directly to me instead of your friends.

@my ex: Using other people will not fix you or fill you, it just creates more emptiness within you and those you claim to love.

@my ex: You never appreciated all that I did for you. I am so grateful God showed me the light and allowed me to see life without you would be so much better for me. Now I am happier than I ever was with you.

@my ex: I hope all is well for you, and I hope that you’re really still happy, and that whatever you’ve chosen to do takes you far.

#liveandlearn

Things I Regularly Encounter When I Decide To Date

I try. I try really hard to still believe in this thing called ‘Love’ but the more I witness and personally experience in regards to dating and love, the more I realize that my pessimism is more than warranted.

So here are some things I regularly encounter:

When I first heard of [1] ghosting, I thought it was a rare phenomenon. Who were these awful, evil guys running around stringing women along, then dropping off the face of the earth? Were they raised by wolves. What is their problem? Then it happened to me one two many times. But the one I remember was a guy who swept me off my feet, charmed the pants off me for a year, then disappeared only to return a year later asking if I wanted to get together. WTF!!! I politely reminded him that he had ghosted me one year ago, he can get together with someone else.

Then there’s being [2] benched-you know, when you have to be the cause of another woman being benched. Although I have never being benched. What had happened was, a guy I liked told me: “I’m interested in both of you. But I’ve put things on hold with her to see where things go with you.” I’m sorry. WTF!! After an argument about what he was doing and him denying that he was benching her, that was the end. I’m assuming he went back to her – until he found someone else for whom he could bench her again.

I realized, [3] lying, especially when it comes to dating, love and relationships, is nothing new. But come the hell on! If you’re going to lie to me about where you were, what you were doing, and who you were with, cover your tracks! Don’t let yourself get tagged in an Instagram or Facebook photo. While I don’t advocate for lying, I can say that no woman would let herself get caught in a lie, because we’re smart enough to plan it all out properly!

So there I am texting a guy and then he just stops responding. For days. When I hear from him again, I get the whole, “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see your texts because I wasn’t near my phone.” Oh, really? This is 2017 (it happened then); we’re all in some serious relationships with our phones and, boy, I saw you liking photos on IG and retweeting crap on Twitter, but go ahead and tell me again you didn’t see my texts. You straight-up [4] ignored me; at least own up to that crap.

On the flip side of being ignored, when I’ve decided that things aren’t working out with a guy, even if we’ve only dated a couple time, [5] I get called a whore for it. Sometimes a bitch. Me taking the high road to say I’m not interested, as opposed to ghosting, leads to me being insulted. And disgustingly, if I took the low road and ghosted them instead, I’d get the same response. It’s really hard for women to win in this dating game; we’re all a whore when we piss off a guy.

Then when love  starts to fade or few arguments here and there, shaking up the relationship a bit, [6] you’re passed over for someone “better”. When the wording of, “I met someone better for me” is thrown at you. Okay then, you met them, then leave. TF! You don’t have to be all up in my face with that.

I had this one guy in my life who would tell me he loved me regularly, but it’s was a word he used on his own terms. [7] Being told “I love you” when it’s convenient for them. He knew if he told me, I’d respond with, “I know” as usual. But on the few occasions I said it to him without being prompted by him first, he’d pull away for a few days as if I’d told him I have the plague. It was so much like clockwork that it became a joke with our friends: “Oh, I haven’t heard from so-and-so for a few days.” “You told him you loved him again?” “Yep. Although he told me he loved me a couple hours before, so I thought I was in the clear this time.

Lastly, [8] having to hear “I’m not looking for anything serious” over and over and over again. Yeah, dudes, I get it. You’re not looking for anything serious – unless you find that woman who looks like she’s been torn from the pages of Vogue and is willing to suck your junk 50 times a day. Oh, believe me, I get it. Groan. Eye roll. Groan.

I’m sure there are more, but these are mostly experienced by many girls out there. Share you encounters in the comment if you wanna.

#liveandlearn

 

You Don’t Just Get Over Someone Your Heart Was Invested In

You don’t just get over someone. It isn’t simple. And the phrase, “move on” is harder than it sounds.

Articles say, that in order to get over someone, it takes half of the time that you were together to fully move on. So if you were together for a year, you have six months. Three years, a year and a half. A month, two weeks. And so on and so forth.

So you mark the date on your calender. You buckle in for the ride towards healing that will ultimately end with you not caring about them anymore. You will move on, you will let them go, you will not dwell on it, you will not obsess, you will get over it and you’ll be fine. You tick each day off an metaphorical wall, counting down until the day when you’ll be better.

“I have 72 days and then I’ll be okay”

“In three more weeks, I will not miss you.”

“Tomorrow I will be fine.”

Been there, done that.

And the day came. The sun rose on that magical date when it’s been exactly half the length of your relationship, so now you will not hurt anymore. Now, today, you will not miss them. It’s the day when you will finally have moved on.

But…..you don’t

The truth is, some people end up hating, some people end up angry, some people end up forgetting but they don’t entirely get over it. And that’s because, that someone, is always going to be there. They’ll manage to pull you back in, like being sucked into a whirlpool. But we gradually find the strength to overcome that peculiar feeling to the point where they’re just there, to fill up the space.

I don’t believe that there is such a thing called ‘exit’ in loving someone. You stay in love with that person even if it has ended. Some people just cover it up with hate, anger or with another person.

But we all leave a tiny or even bigger pieces of ourselves to the people who we learned to love and we learn to love, and eventually we’ll always find our way back to those pieces because the feelings and the memories don’t just go away. Even if the person does.

#liveandlearn

 

Life’s Too Short To Waste Your Time With People Who Only Give 50%.

If you’re anything like me, you’d go to the ends of the earth for the people you love, whether they’re friends, family or your other half. However, sometimes in life, it can be devastating to realize that you’re the only one in the relationship giving 100%.

It’s good to care about your loved ones and to show that care through your words and actions, but it’s also important to receive the same generosity in return. You can’t constantly give someone everything, whether it’s your time, energy or kindness, to only get something half-assed back. Life isn’t like that.

Imagine a relationship where you do all of the work. You’re the first to communicate, you always have to plan things to do with the other person, you drive to their house, you take them places, you carry the conversation, you’re completely there for them when they need you… but you never get anything back. Perhaps you don’t have to imagine because this is your reality.

When you are the one more invested, you listen closely for a ticking clock. You feel expiration date slapped across your forehead. You wonder if you just could get them to see your importance. That you, are not some fucking carton of milk to go bad. You are water. You are air, and energy. Everything they should value and appreciate. You’re necessity, not accessory. You will forget this as you try to convince your own worth.

Maybe they do not call when they say they will. Maybe they leave you waiting alone, outside the restaurant for 15 minutes. You will wonder if there’s a reason they are not as invested. Maybe you are just not a worthy investment. You will think about shutting down. Maybe the next time, you won’t allow yourself to fall so quickly and fearlessly.

It’s important to spend time with and invest in the people who love and care for you as much as you do for them. Sure, relationships take work and they’re not always perfect, but it’s the attitude we have towards them that matters. As long as both parties are ready and willing to compromise and do what it takes to make the other person happy, then the relationship will continue to survive and thrive.

Remember, you are always the water, and if they do not see that, they do not deserve to drink you.

#liveandlearn

As You Cross Into 2018, If You Think You Need Your Boyfriend’s Phone Password, You Need A New Boyfriend (just saying.)

Checking up your boyfriend’s phone has been pretty normalized these days. Raise your hand if this sounds familiar. Been there, done that and I found something I didn’t like and I obsessed over it for days wondering whether that LOL was really just a friendly laugh.

In the world of smartphones, dating is a whole new game. We text instead of call. We find perfect matches with the swipe of our thumbs. We start (and end) relationships by pressing “send”. With the simple press of a button, you have access to everything your loved one does on their phone–every tweet, text, email, and phone call.

Sure, you’re curious. I was really really curious when I did at first. Needing to have his passwords and creep on his messages when he leaves the room is a huge red flag. I know! If you are currently fighting the ‘snooping disease’, you need to ask yourself these questions to see if it’s indicative of a much bigger issue:

  1. Is your relationship healthy? If you’re being totally honest with yourself, is your relationship with this guy a healthy one? Does he give you love and loyalty and do you give it back? My guess is there are some unresolved issues under there if you are paranoid about his phone and what he is doing. Maybe those issues are within yourself, or maybe they need to be worked out as a couple but don’t sweep them under the rug.
  2. Does he respect YOU? He does have a right to his own life and privacy, you also have a right to respect. If he is intentionally hiding things from you or being disrespectful to your relationship, don’t put up with that. At that point, is it really even worth stalking his messages? Just save yourself the time and dump him—use that energy for something meaningful and don’t waste it on a guy who sucks anyway.
  3. Are you worried about other girls that aren’t you? Be honest. It’s so easy to dream up the worst case scenario in your head when you see a pretty girl in a photo with your guy, but you can’t trust your emotions all the time. Do you have a real reason to be worried about that girl or are your insecurities just setting in? Reminder: If a guy’s serious about you, he’s serious about ONLY you. Take notes.
  4. Has he ever cheated? Does this guy have a past? Obviously, if he’s cheated on you (or anyone else for that matter) you’re going to have some trust issues. Maybe you’re reaching for your phone because you think he hasn’t changed. On the other hand, maybe you’re struggling to let go of the past and give him the chance to redeem himself.
  5. Is your gut trying to tell you something? Yes, we overreact sometimes, but women are also amazing at reading people. If you’re sure you’re not just overreacting to whatever he said or did, maybe your gut is trying to tell you something is off. You’re sitting here trying to figure out what really is going on and things just aren’t adding up, listen to that voice and get rid of him. Always try to use reason first, but if reason fails, your gut is always spot on.

  6.  If you’re worrying so much, have you consider maybe you’re in the wrong relationship? When it comes down to it, no matter why you’re feeling insecure about what your guy is doing, you shouldn’t have to worry about your relationship. If he truly loves you and is someone you should be with, he will prove it to you. You won’t worry about that girl co-worker or childhood friend and you’ll be okay when he goes out with the boys. Healthy relationships just aren’t high maintenance.

    #LiveandLearn

Honestly, If This Isn’t Going Anywhere, It Certainly Isn’t going To Your Bed.

Okay. We’ve been talking. First date happens – you take me for a dinner, buy me flowers and we have a great night together. Then it gets to the moment when we’re getting ready to call it a night. If you’re thinking to yourself, ” I did everything right, she’s definitely going to let me in her bedroom or she’s definitely going to let me take her to my bedroom,” think again!

After one date, you haven’t proven yourself enough to get to see this girl’s lingerie. If this thing between us isn’t going anywhere, it’s definitely not going to your bed or mine.

Why you may ask?

Because, I’ve been there and done that. I have had my share of one-night stand, drunken hook-ups, and the walk of shame back home. I’ve had my fun and now I’m looking to be more forward with someone seriously. Definitely not looking for the next booty call but you could look somewhere else.

I want you to chase me. What kind of a girl doesn’t enjoy a guy she likes chasing her? (not literally of course). But I won’t lie. I’m much more into a guy when he acts mysterious or doesn’t just give in to what I want him to do. Therefore I’m not just going to give into what you want me to do either. I’m going to make you work for it because I want you to earn it. I want to know that when I tell you no, you aren’t going to go find someone easier. If you work for it and finally get it, you enjoy it more, right?

Then, I just value myself. Let me be clear. I’m not saying that if you sleep with a guy on the first date that you don’t value yourself. Like I said, been there, done that. But it’s a strictly personal thing now. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’m now finally done just sleeping with guys because I’m insecure and think that it will make them like me more. I know who I am and I know what I want. If you want to get in my pants then you’ll respect that.

I’m also just now learning to open up emotionally. It’s been a long road for me to learn how to open up to people, men in particular. I was the girl who masked my inability to be vulnerable by just being physical. After all, if we’re ‘getting it on’ we can’t talk about personal stuff right? However, I’ve grown up a lot and now I’m at that point in my life where if I want to be with you, I also want you to be able to handle everything I’ve been through. I want to have the emotional side too, not just physicality.

In short. I’m just done with BS.

#LiveandLearn

black girls 8

People Don’t Talk Much About Sex…But I do. So, Here’s What Sex Is For Me.

Sex might be a strictly physical activity for some people, but not for me. I can’t hook up with just anyone and I can’t just walk away once I’ve slept with someone. In my life, sex is more emotional than it is physical.

I don’t think I have ever had meaningless sex. Every person I have slept with, I’m 100% sure I was attracted to them. Sex just isn’t appealing if it doesn’t mean something. Modern dating might be all about keeping things casual, but that doesn’t for me and I’m not going to change myself just to conform to society. I’m a relationship girl. I don’t want random hookups or friends with benefits. The only man I want in my bed is one I truly care about. I want him to mean something and vice versa.

gif 2

For me, sex is an expression of love. That’s how I feel and I’m entitled to my own opinion. Maybe some people can have sex without being in love with someone and more power to them, but that’s just not me. In my life, sex is the was I physically express my love and it always will be.

And like I said before, I have to be emotionally attracted to be turned on physically by him. If I don’t have feelings for a guy then no matter how hot he is, i just don’t feel that sense of arousal. I know that a lot of people maybe even most people don’t feel that way, but at the end of the day, my point of arousal is directly related to emotions and not physical attributes.

gif7

Also, I have realized sex makes breakups so much harder. Every person I’ve slept with I also had a serious relationship with. I gave them my heart and my body and I don’t take that lightly, so my breakups that involved sex were a lot harder to get over. It was hard for me to accept that I had given all of myself to someone and then was eventually rejected. I can’t just brush it off. For me, sex intensifies everything.

And come on, if I don’t feel good on the inside, it definitely won’t feel good on the outside. The truth is, my body just rejects physical acts with a man I don’t have real feelings for. I need to feel good about not only who he is, but also how I feel about him. Before we jump into bed, I want to take the time to make sure my heart is ready because if it’s not, the whole sexual encounter is just going to feel wrong.

gif 8

He needs to also be attracted for who I am and not just my body. I’m hell of a lot more than just a pretty face and I have a lot mote potential than being good in bed. I want someone to be with me because they fell in love with my personality not because of how I am in the sack. I’m funny, sarcastic, smart and sassy. I’m so much more than a warm body and I deserve a man who sees that.

And the stronger my feelings are for a man, the better the sex we have. At the beginning of a relationship, when I’m falling in love with a man, the sex is mind-blowing. We’re connected emotionally and that allows us to connect better physically. When a relationship is headed towards the end, though, the sex changes. I don’t feel as satisfied because we’re losing our connection.

 

gif 9

Sex is a serious relationship step for me. It’s not just casual and expected. No man should expect sex from me just because we’re dating. I want my heart to catch before my body goes too far because having a sexual relationship with someone only increases my attachment and affection for them. It makes everything more serious because at its core is an emotional connection stronger than a physical one.

But what’s most important. I’m not going out in the world looking for good sex. I’m looking for love. That’s the goal here. I don’t just want good a sexual partner, I want something that means a lot more – true love and companionship.

 

#liveandlearn

My Era of Sleeping With Unconscious Bad Boys is Over.

 

I’m not going to lie, I’ve always had a super soft spot for the ‘bad boy’…the seemingly unobtainable man who enjoys playing women like there’s no tomorrow…the man who I know claims he doesn’t want a relationship, so he’s even more appealing to me because it means I don’t have to feel vulnerable and be truly seen in my everything-ness by him. It’s always been the safe option.

And let’s be honest ladies, these men are always so fucking hot. And they know how to fuck. And yes my pussy loves it at the time, but my heart is often left feeling empty. My heart yearns for more. More honouring. More love. More Goddess worship. It’s about time I listen to my heart.

So I’m making a choice to put a stop to my bad boy addiction and I’m pulling in the reigns once and for all. Because yes, I’m worth more than just another woman. I’m fucking Goddess and I want to be treated like one every single day. 

Recently I was reminded that when a man fucks a woman, he enters her not just with his cock, but with his entire consciousness. Energetically we receive every man we fuck into every cell in our body…we receive their vibration into our hearts and consciousness, and take on whatever is going on for that man in that moment in his life. Urggggggggg….

Reality Check!

Luckily this timely reminder has prompted me to set some very clear boundaries around who I fuck, and I now find myself asking some following questions prior to jumping into bed with a new lover. 

Firstly, whether they’re a one-night stand, a casual lover or a new partner, I will not accept anything less than utmost respect, presence, love and authenticity.

Are they open to deep intimacy, connection and passion? Can they be present, truly present, and allow for whatever arises when we are together? Can they fuck me senseless whilst also holding space and penetrating me with their consciousness?

Nope, I’m definitely not seeking some crazy airy fairy hippy tantric guru spiritual guy…I’m simply asking for real men who want genuine connection, honesty and conscious fucking and relating. 

This shit counts, it counts because no woman should put up with anything other than the above. Every woman should demand the Goddess treatment and know that they fucking deserve it. Women, own your Goddess. Demand the love, respect and integrity you deserve and fuck your conscious men to your heart’s content.

#LiveandLearn

screenshot_2017-01-26-15-54-15-11

Photo from my Instagram Page

 

The Girl Who Filled Her Heart With Pickup Lines.

She dated whoever offered her affection; that jackass who told her he loved her, that player who told her she was the one, or the lonely guy who filled her head with ‘pickup lines’.

She never went to an event unaccompanied, her smile never faded and her heart was never empty, but rather it was full of all the wrong things. Cheesy lines and empty promises. 

She attracted the ‘bad boys’. These are the men she enjoyed being around with. These are the men who filled her heart.

She  would take what was offered to her. She couldn’t stand the feeling of an empty heart any longer. She knew nothing was long term, she knew all the compliments were based on her outside, she knew the promises were only spoken to receive whatever they wanted out of the relationship. She would rather go through all those broken relationships than lack the feeling of warmth form a lover’s comfort. She would live off meaningless kisses, lustful touches and cold embraces.

She was not promiscuous, she was weak. 

She was just in search for someone to love her back. 

Maybe one day!

#LiveandLearn