To The Love I Wasn’t Ready For, I’m Sorry

After my last relationship, the one that broke me the most, I decided to take a break from dating. I needed time alone. I needed to find myself again. Because with him, I lost myself. 

From being alone, I learned the lesson that the universe has been trying to teach me all along but I was too stubborn to listen.

I learned how to depend on myself. I realized that family doesn’t always mean love, and romance doesn’t mean forever. I learned that I better find a way to always make it on my own because my friends won’t help me and my prince charming won’t come save and my family won’t always be there. 

And as months went on, and I continued enjoying my own company, I met a guy. And we hit it off as friends, at least that’s what I thought. Soon, there was an ‘ I like you’ text from him then ‘I like you so so much’ then ‘cant we date’ text. This came after three months of friendship.

At this moment, I was 8 months single, and my girlfriends would tell me, ‘when will you ever know that you’re done with your ex if you don’t get into another relationship?’ ‘You’ve got a guy that likes and adores you so much’ ‘why don’t you date him and see where it leads to?’

It was so damn clear that he liked me very much. For the sake of my friends and their everyday advice, I agreed. 

‘Yes I will date you’ I replied a week later. 

This happened in November 2017. 

Through December, everything was good. We spent new years together and that’s when he told me, he loves me. But I couldn’t reply back. 

“I love you” has always been a difficult thing for me to say. It’s not that I’m incapable of loving people, but I didn’t grow up in an overly warm household and a lot of that probably rubbed off on me. My father was always distant even when he was right there in front of me, and sometimes all I wanted was for him to tell me that he loved me, to make me feel loved. It never happened, and I always felt like the unloved child of the bunch until I learned to start loving myself.

So when I get into relationships I’m almost never the first person to say “I love you,” even if I know I’m bat shit cray cray/head over heels for someone. It’s not great, I know, but I’m one of those people who just assumes that the other person knows how I feel already. I always do cute little things and drop subtle hints so they know I care. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?

He continued with the ‘i love you’ texts and after every phone call and every time we parted ways from dates. I still never said it back. Not even once. 

January came and went. Then at the start of February, i called it quits.

I did that because, not only that saying ‘I love you’ has always been a difficult thing for me to say, but also, I realized that, I’m not ready to love again. 

At the moment, I want to keep working on me, to keep bettering myself, keep getting my life on track, completing all the things I want to do and becoming happy on my own. I want to fill in the blanks in my own life, I don’t want to turn to someone and have them fill in the blanks for me. I don’t want someone to come in and try to complete me because I want to be complete on my own.

Maybe one day, I will be ready to love again. But not today.

They say time heals everything, but unfortunately time had not fully taken its course to heal me and soon enough, my insecurities returned once again and my troubling past came back to haunt me.

In case you come across this post, I just want to say that I’m truly sorry I was not ready for you. I’m truly sorry that I was not able to accept the love you were more than willing to give me. I’m sorry for the apology I never gave you when I said I wasn’t ready for you. I’m sorry for providing no explanation for the sudden pain I might have caused you. 

Most of all I’m sorry for convincing myself I was ready to love again.

Before you came along, I was recovering. I was trying to understand how I could give my all to someone and it was still not enough for someone to stick around. I thought I finally had a grip on the understanding that perhaps you were the perfect solution to fix my problems. But you weren’t. 

#liveandlearn

Advertisements

Allowing Someone To Strip Away Your Freedom Is Not Going To make You Happy

We all know that, every relationship comes with its own sets of problems, compromise and occasional arguments, but when it’s too much, well it’s too much. If the good days aren’t out weighing the bad days, something is wrong.

Every relationship is going to differ when it comes to the amount of arguments per day, week or month and working through conflicts can even build a stronger relationship between two people. But when it gets to ‘being controlling’, then something is wrong.

And we ladies, have the tendency of making excuses for our controlling relationship. Our problem is that we begin to classify these controlling behaviors as “normal” in relationships. Because your best friend’s boyfriend is the same way, or your last boyfriend was much worse than your current boyfriend, so it’s totally normal. 

Are you really going to try to convince yourself that your boyfriend choosing whom you can and cannot hangout with is love? Is it actually cute when he says he doesn’t want you socializing with other guys because he just cares about you so much that he wants you all to himself?

If relationships were supposed to be a game, having rules and guidelines would make sense, but they’re not and it doesn’t.

If they are isolating you from people, friends and family, you have a problem. If they say things like, “you’re mine and only mine, forever”, there might be a problem. If you can’t go out and enjoy yourselves without getting in an argument by the end of the night, you have a problem. If your family and friends express concern over your relationship regularly, you most definitely have a problem. And when you start to ask yourself, “am i actually crazy, is it just me?” then your problem couldn’t be any more obvious.

You won’t realize how little freedom you have in your relationship until it’s too late and it’s already gone, I can promise you that… ‘Yes, I promise you that because I write from experience.’

Controlling and possessive behavior is not cute. This behavior can end up taking a turn for the worst and I’m sure none of us really want to stick around long enough to find out what happens next if you allow it to.

#liveandlearn

 

 

Things I Regularly Encounter When I Decide To Date

I try. I try really hard to still believe in this thing called ‘Love’ but the more I witness and personally experience in regards to dating and love, the more I realize that my pessimism is more than warranted.

So here are some things I regularly encounter:

When I first heard of [1] ghosting, I thought it was a rare phenomenon. Who were these awful, evil guys running around stringing women along, then dropping off the face of the earth? Were they raised by wolves. What is their problem? Then it happened to me one two many times. But the one I remember was a guy who swept me off my feet, charmed the pants off me for a year, then disappeared only to return a year later asking if I wanted to get together. WTF!!! I politely reminded him that he had ghosted me one year ago, he can get together with someone else.

Then there’s being [2] benched-you know, when you have to be the cause of another woman being benched. Although I have never being benched. What had happened was, a guy I liked told me: “I’m interested in both of you. But I’ve put things on hold with her to see where things go with you.” I’m sorry. WTF!! After an argument about what he was doing and him denying that he was benching her, that was the end. I’m assuming he went back to her – until he found someone else for whom he could bench her again.

I realized, [3] lying, especially when it comes to dating, love and relationships, is nothing new. But come the hell on! If you’re going to lie to me about where you were, what you were doing, and who you were with, cover your tracks! Don’t let yourself get tagged in an Instagram or Facebook photo. While I don’t advocate for lying, I can say that no woman would let herself get caught in a lie, because we’re smart enough to plan it all out properly!

So there I am texting a guy and then he just stops responding. For days. When I hear from him again, I get the whole, “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see your texts because I wasn’t near my phone.” Oh, really? This is 2017 (it happened then); we’re all in some serious relationships with our phones and, boy, I saw you liking photos on IG and retweeting crap on Twitter, but go ahead and tell me again you didn’t see my texts. You straight-up [4] ignored me; at least own up to that crap.

On the flip side of being ignored, when I’ve decided that things aren’t working out with a guy, even if we’ve only dated a couple time, [5] I get called a whore for it. Sometimes a bitch. Me taking the high road to say I’m not interested, as opposed to ghosting, leads to me being insulted. And disgustingly, if I took the low road and ghosted them instead, I’d get the same response. It’s really hard for women to win in this dating game; we’re all a whore when we piss off a guy.

Then when love  starts to fade or few arguments here and there, shaking up the relationship a bit, [6] you’re passed over for someone “better”. When the wording of, “I met someone better for me” is thrown at you. Okay then, you met them, then leave. TF! You don’t have to be all up in my face with that.

I had this one guy in my life who would tell me he loved me regularly, but it’s was a word he used on his own terms. [7] Being told “I love you” when it’s convenient for them. He knew if he told me, I’d respond with, “I know” as usual. But on the few occasions I said it to him without being prompted by him first, he’d pull away for a few days as if I’d told him I have the plague. It was so much like clockwork that it became a joke with our friends: “Oh, I haven’t heard from so-and-so for a few days.” “You told him you loved him again?” “Yep. Although he told me he loved me a couple hours before, so I thought I was in the clear this time.

Lastly, [8] having to hear “I’m not looking for anything serious” over and over and over again. Yeah, dudes, I get it. You’re not looking for anything serious – unless you find that woman who looks like she’s been torn from the pages of Vogue and is willing to suck your junk 50 times a day. Oh, believe me, I get it. Groan. Eye roll. Groan.

I’m sure there are more, but these are mostly experienced by many girls out there. Share you encounters in the comment if you wanna.

#liveandlearn

 

You Don’t Just Get Over Someone Your Heart Was Invested In

You don’t just get over someone. It isn’t simple. And the phrase, “move on” is harder than it sounds.

Articles say, that in order to get over someone, it takes half of the time that you were together to fully move on. So if you were together for a year, you have six months. Three years, a year and a half. A month, two weeks. And so on and so forth.

So you mark the date on your calender. You buckle in for the ride towards healing that will ultimately end with you not caring about them anymore. You will move on, you will let them go, you will not dwell on it, you will not obsess, you will get over it and you’ll be fine. You tick each day off an metaphorical wall, counting down until the day when you’ll be better.

“I have 72 days and then I’ll be okay”

“In three more weeks, I will not miss you.”

“Tomorrow I will be fine.”

Been there, done that.

And the day came. The sun rose on that magical date when it’s been exactly half the length of your relationship, so now you will not hurt anymore. Now, today, you will not miss them. It’s the day when you will finally have moved on.

But…..you don’t

The truth is, some people end up hating, some people end up angry, some people end up forgetting but they don’t entirely get over it. And that’s because, that someone, is always going to be there. They’ll manage to pull you back in, like being sucked into a whirlpool. But we gradually find the strength to overcome that peculiar feeling to the point where they’re just there, to fill up the space.

I don’t believe that there is such a thing called ‘exit’ in loving someone. You stay in love with that person even if it has ended. Some people just cover it up with hate, anger or with another person.

But we all leave a tiny or even bigger pieces of ourselves to the people who we learned to love and we learn to love, and eventually we’ll always find our way back to those pieces because the feelings and the memories don’t just go away. Even if the person does.

#liveandlearn

 

Life’s Too Short To Waste Your Time With People Who Only Give 50%.

If you’re anything like me, you’d go to the ends of the earth for the people you love, whether they’re friends, family or your other half. However, sometimes in life, it can be devastating to realize that you’re the only one in the relationship giving 100%.

It’s good to care about your loved ones and to show that care through your words and actions, but it’s also important to receive the same generosity in return. You can’t constantly give someone everything, whether it’s your time, energy or kindness, to only get something half-assed back. Life isn’t like that.

Imagine a relationship where you do all of the work. You’re the first to communicate, you always have to plan things to do with the other person, you drive to their house, you take them places, you carry the conversation, you’re completely there for them when they need you… but you never get anything back. Perhaps you don’t have to imagine because this is your reality.

When you are the one more invested, you listen closely for a ticking clock. You feel expiration date slapped across your forehead. You wonder if you just could get them to see your importance. That you, are not some fucking carton of milk to go bad. You are water. You are air, and energy. Everything they should value and appreciate. You’re necessity, not accessory. You will forget this as you try to convince your own worth.

Maybe they do not call when they say they will. Maybe they leave you waiting alone, outside the restaurant for 15 minutes. You will wonder if there’s a reason they are not as invested. Maybe you are just not a worthy investment. You will think about shutting down. Maybe the next time, you won’t allow yourself to fall so quickly and fearlessly.

It’s important to spend time with and invest in the people who love and care for you as much as you do for them. Sure, relationships take work and they’re not always perfect, but it’s the attitude we have towards them that matters. As long as both parties are ready and willing to compromise and do what it takes to make the other person happy, then the relationship will continue to survive and thrive.

Remember, you are always the water, and if they do not see that, they do not deserve to drink you.

#liveandlearn

To The One Who Will Have My Heart Next

Look, I don’t want to end up like my friend’s parents. I never do.

I don’t want to end up like my father and his many wives. I never do.

So dear future love, if our conversations aren’t like how they used to be when we started off; young and in love and so full of hope, and we can’t look into each other in the eye anymore, and we never sit beside each other or be by each others side anymore, and we can’t talk to each other without arguing or starting a fight, and we don’t laugh and smile at each others jokes, and our pride becomes more important than forgiveness and love, and we never sleep on the same bed at the same time, and you start looking for another woman because you don’t feel like you used to with me anymore, knowing I’ll end up more broken than I was before, and if we’re still together because we’re required to be and not because we want to spend the rest of our lives loving and sharing our happiness with each other…..

Promise me. Just Promise me, damn it. Promise me, you’ll let me go. You have to, okay? You need to let me go. Just promise me that, and I’ll promise I’ll do the same.

Experience is the best teacher, and the worst experiences teach the best lessons.

#liveandlearn

 

2017 Summed Up In Seventeen Sentences

1. You can’t convince someone to stay.

2. Hurting is better than feeling numb.

3. Being single can feel better than being in a relationship where you feel more alone.

4. Some people will hate every bit of you and all you can do is accept that and move on.

5. Friends will come and go, don’t let that ruin your self esteem.

6. Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver

7. Every person you know is struggling with something. Reach out.

8. Sex feels way better when it’s with someone who you care about.

9. No matter how much you like someone, it doesn’t mean they will automatically reciprocate those feelings.

10. Never ever chase someone who doesn’t want to be chased.

11. You are worth more than you think you are.

12. Good friends are hard to find, so when you find them, hold on tight.

13. Sometimes life is shitty. But life will also go on.

14. You will never get to where you want to be in life by complaining.

15. Men will continue to ghost you, hurt you, and disappoint you. But they will also continue to give you butterflies, make you giddy, and give you love.

16. This is YOUR life. Don’t live just to please other people. 

17. Learn to say what you want and mean.

#liveandlearn

One Of The Lasting Side Effects Of Having Loved Someone

Some people are just really difficult to let go of.

That’s one of the lasting side effects of having loved someone. The more intoxicating the love, the more difficult it will be to let go of it all and move on with your life. You’re not going to want to let go because you remember how good it once was and believe it could be that good again. You still have hope that things may one day change.

And you’re right. Things will surely change, but how they will change likely won’t align with the way you’re hoping things will change. But I’m just speaking from personal experience.

Even when you come to accept that it is time to move on, it’s not always easy to move on. The question of “why?” keeps popping into your mind. “Why did things have to end this way?”

I’m here to tell you it doesn’t matter why. Things ended the way they ended because that’s the way they ended. You can pick apart and learn from your mistakes, but past that, there isn’t anything else to learn from the circumstance.

It’s important to understand not everything happens for a reason. I know this goes against what most of us have been taught to believe, but the reality is some things didn’t need to happen but happened nonetheless. And all we can do is learn from our mistakes and work toward a better, more fulfilling future for ourselves.

If we hold onto the belief that everything happens for a reason, it becomes impossible to let go of our past. It’s true that our past stays with us in one way or another, but if we wish to one day feel alive again, we must shift our focus into the future. We must focus on action.

Daily Prompt: Almost

Hope you all had a Merry Merry Christmas.

#LiveandLearn

“You’re A Man And Men Shouldn’t Cry” Said The Society.

I was watching a series during the weekend and this conversation came about between a teenage boy and his step-father.

Why are you crying? Your a boy, boys shouldn’t be crying; didn’t your dad teach you anything?

Oh that’s right, your dad walked out first chance he got; no surprise there, you were always a let down to him.

like he always said, “ya ma should’ve gotten that abortion like I told her to.”

seriously stop crying, you look like a girl; is that seriously how you want to be viewed.

boys are meant to be tough and there is nothing tough about you asides from all the kilos of fat refusing to leave your body.

oh did I hurt your feelings little boy?

It saddens me that, that part of the movie was even approved. It saddens me that boys/men have a choice in the mechanism of how to relieve from pain. It’s like they are prisoners trapped in a cave. But I also know it’s not entirely your fault. Society has taught you to be hard. They have convinced you that is best way to deal with it all. You have been told to put it down until you self-destruct, because that is so much better than looking weak, even for a brief moment.

You curse instead of cry. You yell instead of plead. You fight instead of feel. It’s why your muscles get bigger, along with your voice and ego.

I have had boyfriends who have allowed themselves the freedom to cry. Expressing all types of feelings. As we all know, life is hard. But I think that was because we were dating and when you are dating someone, you tend to be comfortable around them. Men who are like that, are 2% out of 100%.

I just want you to know that, when you give yourself freedom to feel and the freedom to express how you feel, you are able to truly accept and understand your emotions.

I feel sorry that you have not learned this. I really do. I feel sorry that you are unable to cope with your sadness in effective, healthy ways and instead you have to express yourself through anger or toughness.

All of the bad memories you refuse to discuss, the painful scars you never let heal, the hurtful words others have said that you’ve ignored, they will one day tear you apart because there has been so much you left without confronting.

I hope one day you open up. I hope one day you cry. I hope you let tears fall down your face as they with the water that sprays onto you in the shower. I hope you look at yourself in the mirror wash your hair a mess, your eyes puffy and nose runny. I hope you hold onto your knees in the middle of the night. I hope you push your face into your pillow so as to not let others hear you sob. I hope one day you let the love of your life hold onto you as you hyperventilate, unable to express why it is you are sad, because the words just won’t come out.

I’m not saying this to hurt you. I do not hope for people to feel pain, but sadly it is a feeling we all have to go through. Pain is inevitable.

Remember, you have an ability to completely break down, to fall a part, to cry, to meltdown, to give up, to face all it is that has hurt you and then pick yourself up again. That is true strength. You need to be in touch with your inner compass or you will carry so much in your day to day life.

I hope you realize this one day.

Daily Prompt: Torn

#liveandlearn