It took me a long time to realize that you can do everything right and still end up unhappy. You can say all of the right things, do exactly as you are told, follow in the footsteps of all the people who swore by their success and their strategy surrounding it, and you can still end up displaced because you didn’t ever choose to simply listen to yourself.
The best thing I ever did for myself was simply listen to what I actually wanted. Then I messed up. I made mistakes that I’ll never forget. I hurt people I loved, and I got hurt. I had to learn about self discovery which isn’t comfortable. It can get ugly, it can get confusing. It’s hard. It’s difficult to confront yourself sometimes, it’s difficult to be the person who does things differently, who doesn’t settle.
But it’s the greatest gift I ever gave myself. It pushed me towards figuring out what my own personal version of happiness looks like. And I grew on my own terms, I figured out what actually matters to me, I carved my own path and I started to living on my own terms. I became the person I always wanted to be rather than the person I was always told to be. Life is about making yourself proud on your own terms. It’s about finding a happiness that works for you.
For a long time the who didn’t matter as much as the that. If he made me laugh, we’d often end up in bed (also, because of alcohol, but let’s not go there). I found that the humor, along with dancing, was a good indication of whether there was room for magic. For making love.
Many were lovers for a night, or for a few nights, but that was usually it. Yet over time that changed. I started realizing that I had seen bodies, felt bodies, but started missing the soul. I started to sense beyond the physical. I started to learn that love was different from sex…and that I was having sex, and not making love.
I’ve learned in this life that some of the things that you thought would destroy you, were never going to. That wasn’t their purpose. It was only to bloody you up a little in order to feel what you needed to.
Don’t be a doormat.
Don’t allow people to take advantage of you.
The problem with becoming tired of being a doormat,
is that you eventually become the polar opposite.
There’s no middle ground.
You become angry.
And anger within you is like a ticking time bomb.
If you let it tick for too long….
Sooner or later it is going to go boom.
And you will make some terrible decisions clouded by personal issues and anger.
You end up hurting people that care about you.
And put yourself in places where you have no business going,
and in the end, you hurt yourself.
-Things My Father Taught Me
Who do you run to when you’re the one everyone runs to?
Who do you run to when the one you really want to run to is running away from you?
Who do you run to when you want to run away from yourself?
Say you love me to my face
I need it more than your embrace
Just say you want me, that’s all it takes
Heart’s getting torn from your mistakes
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If you don’t wanna try,
But all that I’ve been thinking of
Is maybe that you might
Baby it looks as though we’re running out of words to say
And love’s floating away….
In response to Discover Challenge; Radical Authenticity